2012, Building Upon Foundations

For the first time in my life i get to sit back and reflect on a year i tried to predict, sitting next to me is the very words i typed out for my breakout year post...and reading back now a year wiser makes me realise a few things.

I sat down last year saying that i would be the person to watch for, the one that could adapt to changes faster than anyone else...that i would make my mark upon a game or sport, but didn't know which. And while my name isn't in lights all over the place, the "breakout" did happen...but in ways closer to home.

I've come within inches of becoming a world champion...that was a feeling i will treasure for many years, sure i got robbed, but the game of poker is luck as much as skill, it just wasn't meant to be on that day...but my day will come i assure you. This year coming up has events that can define already made career's....imagine what they'd do to a blossoming one?

The thing is...this year those events were mere fantasy to me, i wanted to play them, but was destined never to reach past £100 buyins...there's a key reason for that...buyins for most of the year had to be met entirely out of my own pocket, very little was doable to get into the bigger reaches.

Two things have changed that.

1. I have a collection of friends who without which i wouldn't be where i am now, they put me into events that have made me capable of reaching new heights, bigger events, closer than ever before to becoming a fully fledged professional, and also (and this is actually a scoop for people who read it) my friends have made me play so much, so well, so big...that ive started to become noticed...

2. Next year money from my own pocket will not be an issue, savings funds, student loans, bursaries and (hopefully) winnings will be able to put me into events the likes of which are the stuff of dreams...past that it's anyone's guess.

Overall this year has been great, ive met some new and interesting people, created a social network i could have only dreamt of at the start of the year, have discovered which of the two main paths im to go down but still more than ready to switch over should the second route prove more lucrative. Formed my own team with hopes to make it the UK's best and biggest and so much more that its impossible to fit onto a single blog.

For next year, the dream is to get more backers, get more results, get more dreams accomplished and hopefully, just hopefully. complete the dream of a lifetime and win of the biggest events the world has ever seen, while supported by the friends and family i treasure the most...if that happens, expect to see the night skies lit by the party of a lifetime i plan to throw.

From Our Friends To You: Merry Christmas

Well, tis the season again...and while im aware we will all end up on computers tomorrow for one reason or another. I thought id take this opportunity, yet again. To wish you all a merry Christmas, a prosperous new year, and all's hoping a smashing start to 2012!

Realization

To write two of these blogs describing a single event is not something ive done before...but its something i feel i need to do, this is my avenue to express all the feelings i have, its my avenue to describe in some small way what im feeling at this given moment. I wont give a long doctored speech, what i type in this will be like those before it, pure emotions spilled into letters on a page.

Im nervous. I wish i could say that im the picture of serene grace, the picture of calm in a storm...but i just cant. This event is on a scale i have never imagined, anticipated yes, but never truly grasped until i woke up this afternoon...It concerns me not just of the scale, not just of the weight now on my shoulders...but also of its lasting implications.

I said yesterday i consider myself a true poker player now...that still holds true, but only now have i truly understood what it meant...im not the man who makes his money from £20 freeze-outs anymore. Im not the man who sits back waiting for his next big break to come worth little more than a weeks wages...things have changed.

The scale has changed. The needs have changed. The pressure has changed.

While i sit here with butterflies in my stomach, comprehending just what leap im about to make, be under no illusion that it does not affect the sheer force i will take into not only this tournament, but the years to come. Before i was just a local player, before i was just one of the also-ran's...destined to play in events no bigger than the size of my wallet, prizes no bigger than the size of a night out.

Those days are over.

I cant sit by anymore while i watch those around me scale new heights...sure my wallet cant hack the buy-ins i dream of, and hell my skill isn't up to world class level yet. But the passion is, has, and will always be. Bigger than any of those before me.

Butterflies in the stomach do not mean it affects the end result. When the clocks strikes tonight, i will be sat down in a sea of tens of thousands. We all have dreams, we all have hopes and wishes. We all probably know what we'd do with the money if we won....And its that last point that separates me from the pack. Shows me for what im worth...or more importantly, what i fight for.

The money i win tonight will be split between those that have put their faith in me. Those that have put there support in me. This is what separates me from the rest. No buy-in is out of reach, no mountain too hard to scale. I consider every person stood beside me tonight as an extra life, to use one of pokers most famous sayings...i have 16 "One Time"'s at my disposal...Hold on, because i may need them yet.

We stand together for this one, of that i am sure, but its implication reaches far past this event. Its shown me i have supporters in the most unlikely of places, in the most amazing number of people. Next year i set myself the task of exploding on the scene with a serious bang...with these by my side, anything. And i mean anything. Is possible

Realization. Its a word i toss around quite alot, but every time with meaning. Tonight is the start of something more...the start of a realization that this is no longer a hobby...this is no longer just a mere fantasy, a dream in the vivid mind of a 20 year old from Nottingham...no, this is more.

This is the life i am now sculpting. With my friends, family, supporters and backers alike beside me...we cant lose.

We wont lose.

The Prelude

Its been months since ive sat down and accurately written out my emotions, hopes, dreams...three months since ive been able to sit down and let everything pour out. Its given me time to sit back, take stock, realise the things in life that matter...

But also, its allowed me to pursue a passion to such an extent which ive never been able to before. Supporters have numbered far more than ever before...results have started coming in on a scale unlike anything before...while i may have won less this year (so far) than i did last year...the wins have meant more, come from bigger, been achieved through tougher...

I am a poker player, before i wasn't so sure, i wondered if it was all an illusion. Just a hope that would ultimately prove a step too far. But now it feels real, ive had people putting there support into me through more than just words. Ive been within inches of true greatness. Ive taken part in events that until recently were nothing but mere fantasy. And from friends to family alike, i have them to thank for that.

Tomorrow marks a step into the world i aim to join. Recent weeks have been the biggest ive ever faced, and while ive not actually won, ive come alot further than was possible before, than i thought was possible now...but will be easily possible in the future. I walk into this feeling unlike before, feeling the world is behind me, support from places i didn't think were possible before. Its no small achievement to be where i am now, my career isn't even two full years in the making, yet my aims for the future are the stuff of true professionals. the aims reflect where i think 2012 will stand. and tomorrow is the start of that journey.

I seriously believe it this time. before was hope mixed, tainted almost, with the idea of what might happen should i not succeed. But for the last few weeks ive only thought of that once, and unlike before that was quelled by one of the new supporters, every other time has been the image of me collapsing on the desk as the computer reads the millions now in my bank. the career etched off the back of five small cards......the career created by the 16 people who stood by me on that fateful first step up the staircase of champions...at the top rests my dreams, ambitions, lifetime's goals. Tomorrow i stand there at the bottom...its only seven steps, surely it cant be that hard surely?

Its The Prelude to a great future. tomorrow starts the journey of a lifetime, regardless of the result it will be an experience ive yet to enjoy...and for once, with the people beside me, backers, friends and family alike...i seriously feel like they're lifting me onto the first step.

From there....its all up to me.

On Thee Our Hopes We Fix

Six words...that's all it is, it's old English...sounds boring, to some probably half pointless...it could be expressed more easily, it could probably sound better as well...but those words belong to something rather special to me...and tonight, while i understood it anyway, ive come to realise how much its meaning matters to me, and how much bearing it has on everything i do going forward...

Let me take you on a small journey of a person i once knew...he was a simple kid, with simple ambitions...did well at school, didn't exactly have many friends but made do with what he could...he was young and talented yet boisterous and sometimes controversial.

But one thing i know was certain, he was ambitious if nothing else...he took beatings in almost every sense possible, but always got back up regardless, his aims were high, yet clear, crazy, yet realistic...but as the years went on his passion started to fade, various factors in various sports and past-times just got in the way, from swimming to golf, racing to badminton with some archery in-between, he went through every avenue and sport type he could only to be stopped dead...not that he didn't try, he wasn't able to go any further. So dwindled into nothing more than a place-filler in society... albeit a very loud and excitable one.

But one day, not that very long ago, i saw him take center stage for the first time in his life...and it was in something where he had complete control, nobody and nothing could interfere except for luck...he seemed on top of the world, and while the result didn't turn out to be perfect, looking back i can see his smile, it looked fake at the time but i realise now it wasn't, he was proud of what he'd achieved, and set out to do so much more...the amount of support he carried that day was unlike anything before...he realized what he was fighting for, and it was for more than just himself...and from what i see now it changed him...he was symbolizing something on that day as well, but only because of honor, not out of commitment...that's changed now.

Anyone guessed his name?

Peter Thorpe

Yeah, tonight i was able to look back properly, at a moment in time full of forward movements, full of triumphs and exciting times...and notice that one night in my life changed me and my perception on everything i do...i sat down and fought as nothing more than a patriot, a fan of the game, for backers, supporters and myself...but now looking back, as the night went on i realized that things, from one minute to the next. Changed.

I went from fighting for myself to caring about everything else instead

I went from wanting to do well for friends and supporters to throwing everything at trying for them

I went from a simple patriot to fighting tooth and nail to get my country's flag at the top...

I went from simply wearing a national symbol to feeling it physically attached to me...

And i love how it changed to that...

I spent years trying, im a born fighter even if it doesn't always look it from the defeatist front i show, usually that's just me wanting space while i contemplate how i plan to bounce back. But everytime i showed promise, something always got in my way...from instructors getting fired, to a lack of instructors commitment to help, to groups disbanding and money just not being there...now with things in my hands theres no limit to what i can achieve save lady luck stepping in...

Ive spent years moulding myself into the person you see today, sometime a year could change me, sometimes even a month...but on that night, one simple experience changed me more than years before could manage. It made me a winner...

Tonight, typing this, alot is still changing. Im at the beginning of something I set out to do two years ago, ive set the ball rolling of something i wanted to do almost fifteen years ago, ive laid the foundations of someone i wanted to be with over a year ago...while in the past certian events have tried to derail me, and some still could...tonight i feel like ive achieved something...

But one thing eludes me...and tonight i will show you what that is, usually i keep my rituals a closely guarded secret, nobody knew the waistcoat was in my bag when i made that final table...and nobody knew until today what id be learning, what, when i won, would have seen my heart pour out

This

Wait for it...one day soon i swear on everything i live by, i will be standing proud, with those words ringing out, tears down my eyes, representing everything and everyone i love so dearly...

You have my word

APAT World Champs: Series Review

Well, that's the end of that. My first ever live series of poker and what a way to kick things off. I say that, but in terms of lasting impressions...they are severely lacking.

A series that promised so much eventually delivered a morsel of joy in a sea of disappointment, and that morsel was thrown at me rather early. To put this in to contrast below is the list of my finishing places in the weekends five events

Stud Championship: 2nd Place
Heads Up Championship: Tied 9th Place
HORSE Championship: 38th Place
Hold'em Championship, Main Event: 169th Place (Day 1b)
Omaha Championship: 112th Place

It started so well as well, i was over a 3-1 chiplead heads up in the stud, he was all in and behind, only two outs to his straight, i damn as well nearly had both hands on that title, but alas he hits not only the river king to survive, but also river two pair's to knock me out hands later...it stung and its a wound i dont think will heal for some time...he was a worthy winner make no mistake about that, but to come so close, to literally be stood up about to shake his hand, and to be slammed back into my seat by a sickening cooler like that, it will live with me for some time...

I also made a personal achievement of mine, my first ever interview (Found Here), i was nothing more than a bag of nerves but i answered honestly and professionally and i hope it to be the first of many...but it turned out to be bitter sweet....while i was a "potential rising star of the series"...it frittered away into nothing more...

It hurts, to come off the back of a 2nd place in my first ever series event, limit event, live stud event...you name it and it was my first of it...hell i was the youngest at that final table i reckon by a clear five years! only then to get one match off cashing in the heads up and nothing else...it leaves a taint on what promised to be such a great series.

All i wanted was exposure, im not going to lie here the money meant literally nothing to me...my only wish was to get returns for my backers (which i still have to thank for giving me the chance to do what i have) and for me to gain a place in the spotlight, no matter how little it lasted...i failed in both, sure five backers were pretty happy with their returns but the rest got let down and for that i am forever in your debt, as for the exposure, well the interview is nice but it doesnt grant me what i truly aimed for...to have had my picture on poker news outlets would have been the ultimate dream...i didnt even come close. I understand the dream is unrealistic, but you'll come to understand i never want anything "conventional".

Now i want to make clear now i enjoyed every moment of the experience, i have fond memories that will take me forward in this game, but looking back i realize that not only was i good, but that for the most part two things have become very apparent...and while ill get cynics for this i feel its the truth

1. if not for bad luck id have at least one win this year, and gone alot deeper in at least the main event if not more
2. its made me realize how fiercely competitive i am, one 2nd place would make anyone else happy...especially if it was their first ever major series, but not me, i wanted more. and i still do

From this series i will move forward, taking the game even more seriously than i do now, knowing that consistent results are the only way forward, along with a little dabble of good luck...there is no limit to what i can achieve.

Editors Note: After writing this ive been reading pokernews and realised that, even by only name, the winners of each side event got a mention...this has greatly upset me, that was my dream and lady luck denied it me...while i totally understand that luck is a factor in poker...this has made me even more determined to rise to the top of the game...as such i have reevaluated my plan for the next few months, while i was going to take a break after the series i will now be focusing on any major event that arises in the coming weeks

A Midnight Dreamer, A Symbol In The Distance

That's all it boils down to really...nothing more simple than that

Tonight, while I wish I was asleep, resting my weary mind and preparing for the biggest week of my short career. I sit here writing my feelings out yet again, and yet again, on an august month, worry takes over...this month doesn't like me it seems!

Many days, I sit here and think, ponder, worry, but occasionally I dream, dream of a better life, dream of a better world for me and those I cherish the most...I dream of realising ambitions, of conquering mountains, of having the world on my shoulders and still coming out on top...tonight though, it's far bigger than that. And for once, everyone else knows it too.

The next five days are unlike anything else for me, to some this will be a week of results, of which I wish you all the best, to some it will just be a normal week...nothing will have changed, you might not even know why it's of relivance...to a select few hundred however, they will be decending on my home territory, competing for the biggest titles an amateur can hope to win.

Now to some it will just be a bit of a laugh, to some a weekend out in a new city...to a select few it will be events to fufill sponsors commitments, some will be laisse faire, some locked and focused...

But let me tell you this, none of you. And I mean none of you, go into this week like me.

I go into this series on my breakout year, my first ever major events will unfold in mere hours, and nobody will come close to the unrestrained passion I am about to unleash...nobody

I go into this off the back of my biggest preparation to date, some play on spontaneous impulse. Some have days to think...but nobody had the dream for a year like me, or the two months of setting myself up. Nobody

I go into this with one of the strongest backing groups around, im here for them, my passion is for them, my commitment for them...some want profits, some want the experience, most want both...and nobody has a group that, when it matters, will stand beside me as that last card is turned and I go from a finger on the trophy to a full grasp. Nobody

This is my series, this is my moment to shine, this is my time to prove to the world yet again that when I sit down to achieve, nothing, nobody. Gets in my way...be under no illusion the fire in my heart tonight, I plan to go all guns blazing this week, and when the dust settles, only I will be standing...

Dusk till Dawn is my local hunting ground, your coming into my territory, my palace...it's the best in Europe for a reason, it's got some of the best players for a reason, and when this week is out, one more name will be considered in it's ranks, I swear by it.

I'll go into these events with passion, determination, talent, stubbornness and skill...but also with a package...a simple one at that. Only a select few know what it is...but let it be known when the time calls for it, it will grace the cardroom, on my shoulders it will prove something, it will show a reason I am there, something that throughout my life I have fought for, I'll look stupid, people will question it. I don't care, it symbolises a big part of my life...and will make a statement unlike anything else.

If this made no sense I appologise, but let me be consice...a few lines showing this 19 year old for everything he is

Passion. Determination. Nationalistic. Untapped Talent. Fierce. Prepared. Tough. Powerful.
A Dreamer.

Confessions Of A Rising Star

This isn't going to be one of the usual blogs you see on here, for once im just going to speak directly, im not going to paraphrase anything, im just going to say what goes through my head, and put it down...given the impending week, i feel its the best way to be.

Im worried, i know im a good poker player, my results have shown that time and time again...i know ive put practice in recently in a time where finding money was hard, if not nearly impossible. But im a believer that no amount of practice will truly be enough in this game. its all about the day itself...and that's what concerns me.

Skill wise im one of the best in that room and i know it myself, but variance gets in the way of everything, six times ive bust in the last few weeks ive got the money in ahead, only for lady luck to stab me in the back...yeah sure ive had some good times along the way, but for the most part the key moments have been riddled with misfortune...hell, on my final table back in April i was hit with a one outer, had that not happened i could easily have won the whole thing...

If this world series is to prove as fruitful as i know it can be the luck has to turn around...im a massive advocate for luck going in cycles...you get as much good as you do bad...i bloody hope so anyway because by that logic im in for a seriously good few days...

Thing is, its not for me alone this time, ive got a backing group of 11 friends putting me into these events, and i don't want to let them down... they've put some serious faith, not to mention alot of money, into me here...and at no point do i actually come back on Monday and have nothing to show for it...alot of them have said that they understand the risks involved but it would still hurt me to be giving nothing back to those that have invested in me...

The only comfort i can take is that with such investments it goes some way to prove that other people consider my abilities good enough...and i take that to heart...at no point when i was selling these shares did i push the idea, at no point did i ask people to invest...and that was planned, i didn't want to force my events into peoples faces and almost pester them to invest, i wanted to showcase what was on offer and leave the choice to other people...and it worked, while ive bought some shares myself yes, of the 50 that were up for grabs, 36 of them went to other people...and there's one key thing people have to realize with the other 14

They aren't just for me. If you look on the share sheet its got my dad's name alongside mine, ive bought these with the intention of doing this half for myself and half for my parents...win a side event, im taking them out, win the main...im taking them abroad. that was my plan from the start, so being the majority stakeholder is on purpose, it made sure i was able to give not only to my friends, but to the very people who put me where i am today...in the past they didn't approve of what i do, and i don't actually think they still do...but they seem to be behind me, and either way, its as much for them as it is for me...

The money helps in that i can pay friends a bunch, i can enter bigger events, i can give back to my family...but from a personal perspective the money means nothing...im not a man of material possessions, even though i adore having nothing but the best. In things like this the accolades are what matter to me the most, people will mention that ive won £10,000...let them, but the people that call me an amateur world champion, that's what i want to hear the most...the money is a byproduct of my personal goal...if the buy-ins for the majors were all free id give every penny away to the people i know and love...and that's a fact

Its been a long time coming, months of planning, hours of practice, days of intense thinking, all boiling down to these last three days...on Wednesday i intend to dissapear from the world...perhaps ill write one last blog on the evening, it might calm my nerves...im not normally worried about anything like this, hell ive played bigger buy-ins and bigger fields in the past...but none of them carried so much on my shoulders.

These are the confessions of a rising star, destined one day to stand at the pinnacle of the very sport he picked up in a bar in Nottingham fifteen years ago...lets all just hope and pray the skill holds true, and the luck stays honest...if that happens, anything is possible

Conflicting Emotions, Overridden By Desire

Complication, Vindication, Justification, Preperation, Anticipation.

Five of the most powerful adjectives a young man can use, five words to describe the past year, five words giving nothing close to a true account of the way things have felt, been, seen.

To go back to august 2010 would basically be going to a whole different person. I was sitting here worried about my A level results...although the feeling of failure was all to real. I had the job of my dreams, only to find it was totally different underneath the image it had presented...I was feeling depressed about just about everything. It seemed I could do no right. I was bigger then, looking in a mirror was a chore, nothing more.

Oh, how a year changes everything

The year itself has shown what this young lad from Nottingham is truly made of, it tested willpower, determination, it tested resolve of the spirit almost daily, all along the way I felt like I grew up so quickly, sometimes too quickly...I rushed through things I've later grown to regret, I've been to slow in things I've later grown to regret. This whole life game isn't ever easy is it?

But in the end, those five words hold no truer meaning than they do now, those same five words would have been brushed aside as mere fantasy all but a year ago. Now they stand at the forefront of my mind, an achievement still being written.

Complication, throughout the year things have got in the way of my ambitions, things came up set to ruin me at times, cause mere nuisances in others...but let me tell you this, each one was met with panic and resolve in equal measure, times of desperation and worry met with a mind working at it's peak, as far as we know, all have been met...only time will tell if that is truly the case.

Vindication, all of the hard work, all of the months of excitement and pain, the days of elation, to the nights of despair, I went through them all, and came out on top...today I signed the release form for derby, today I stepped into the hole I called a university for the last time, today was a true realisation I had achieved all I had set out to do. Never has that happened before, never before had I put so much effort into anything in my life...and while the journey continues, I realise that with my steely resolve, anything is possible.

Justification, for all the tens of thousands spent on my life to date, from all the years of lessons, life and education alike. From the times of comfort and scolding from friends and family alike...today, tonight, right now as I type this, as I speak it out loud in my mind. I have justified not only my determination, but also all of your faith in me.

Preperation, the times ahead will not be easy, life will throw up challenges that require the very best minds to defeat...a year ago I would have curled up in a ball to avoid them, not anymore...with my mindset now it is only a matter of careful planning and consideration that will see even the tallest of mountains fall. I will give everything my upmost dedication, of that you have my word.

Anticipation, while the last year has been intense, the next one proves to be even greater. Even in the next month alone I will confront some of my biggest challenges to date. A game I'm only in my infancy, taking on the best the country has to offer...a game where I consider myself a veteran, taking on the might of the world, albeit on an amateur level. Then in the remainder, a new challenge in a foreign place, all too close to home...

But let me tell you this, from the magic GB nationals, I will throw my best at it, the willpower will be more than any in that room will be able to conjoure, Sheffield will understand true mental might...from the amateur world series, to the people that have backed and staked me in it, you have my passion and soul on the line, nobody will walk into that building with more force than me, with more determination than me, with more untapped talent than me...with more than me. You have eveything from me of that I promise instantly....and to my future at Trent, you have my heart, my academic mind, my unwavering commitment, and most of all my passion...I spent my last two years of being trying to be in your doors, considered amongst your ranks, I will not let this opportunity go to squander, I did before, but never again...

Conflicting emotions, only overridden by the desire to win, to fight, to challenge the world and come out on top no matter the route or discipline required...all this from an overweight depressed defeated man only last august

...wow, amazing what a year can do isn't it...

Give Your Fantasy A Chance

Take the future, in your hand. Living in a future land. Give your fantasy a chance...

Yet again, I'm writing to express what this body and soul cannot, I've never been good with words in person, but give me a blog like this, give me an avenue like this, and I can just let loose, let the passion flow, the determination show for the world to see. It even sounds daft as I'm writing this, but I know these words are accurate no matter how insane they may be.

First off I've got to thank a fair few people in my life, in recent weeks I've felt blessed. My version of the world series is rapidly approaching, I dealt for it last year, ill play for it this year. It's been a dream since the day I stepped foot into it. The scale was unprecedented for someone of my stature, it was immense beyond all comprehension. I was dealing to Brits, Americans, Australians, Europeans, Africans, Asians. Almost every nation you can imagine was under the roof for that glorious weekend, and even as I sat there dealing people's fate, I knew i would be amongst their ranks in no time. Amazing how fast a year goes.

The people to thank are my friends, my family. You had faith in me during times of doubt, when the series was announced I was off the back of a hard few weeks, I debated not playing at one point. But when I sat there, I realised the chance of a lifetime was within my grasp and I was going to turn it away. I've done that before, I've done that recently in things not even related to poker. And realised something...

Life gives opportunities for a reason, it shows routes to success for a reason. Never turn it down, you only live to regret it in the end.

Id done that recently, I'd been bought to tears through missed opportunities, and at that moment I realised there was no holding back, I was playing this series if my last breaths came as a result of it...no more missed chances, I'd been given them for a reason and now was the time to grasp them, lord knows I'd had nearly 20 years missing them, I'd learnt not to do that again...

But something cropped up, the buyins...I could easily afford all of them with money to spare, but I've always wanted a chance to let my friends and family explore my world, to understand the trials and tribulations that go with an amatuer career with millions of dollars at the top, anguish at the bottom. But at no point did I ever in my dreams expect to see the reaction I did. People were supporting me en-masse, fifty shares were up for grabs and 44 of them have gone as I write this, all vanished and supported in less than a week. It was immense. It made me smile.

To realise people back me on such a scale is unimaginable, and I owe them alot for it, it made me realise I was as good now as I was before, it lit a determination I haven't ever experienced, I have never been brought down completely by anything. Even if I've come close. I go into this series with a fire in my heart unlike anything before, I'm not just in this for myself anymore, this is for me, my friends, my family, this is for everyone close that over the years have shown me support during the dark times, been there in the good times. This is all for you.

And if I'm honest, that's all I've ever wanted.

My fantasy has always to become a world champion. but everytime I've pictured it, it's never been alone, I've always turned to a boisterous, screaming support group, I've turned to my friends to celebrate with them. Now, finally, I get the chance.

I will do you all proud. You have my word.

Yeah, That Needs Sorting, I Need Sorting

Pondering an Ascension, a Gambit of sorts, Cast Through Time on Restless Dreams, a Volt Charge to one day feel Liberated, Fuel For The Cause? im not sure...but its a Destructive Force that's for sure.

Amazing how looking at a simple hobby can influence the mind on days it needs to be fired up from a downswing...

Not having the parents here is actually a blessing in disguise, something i could have done with years ago, being able to sit there, and do nothing more than think, wonder, work out the problems and the pleasures of life...at least now i know I've worked somethings out

Last night i had the party i had spent years hoping for...it was meant to be a celebration of joys yet to be touched, a victory night of sorts, a time to sit down and go "you've earned this"...well that's what should have happened. For some reason i ended up sickeningly depressed, and its took until now for me to sit down and work out why such a night turned into disaster within moments.

Problem is, i still cant work out why.

I've sat down, looked back on the night, and at no point does it explain why i went from the hyper, happy giddy person id become over the last few weeks, into the person id spent so much time and effort getting away from. It was all to evident to see as well, people were actually talking as friends, instead of merely putting up with me like they used to, like they probably do now. I felt as if for once, id been acting like a normal person, enjoying life for the points it made me smile for, ignoring the downsides of life (it must be said recently nothing has gone wrong like it used to).

Except last night, for whatever reason, turned me into the gibbering "hate everything because nothing works" idiot i used to be...and im not happy about it, i had friends surrounding me, places to ourselves, drinks aplenty. and none of it looks like it was enough

Peter. Grow the fuck up.

Working things out today has made me realize myself that i need to keep doing what i was, and get a grip on a life that until recently was going nowhere slowly. im sorry to everyone for the way i acted last night, even if it was partly my night, you came out to enjoy it, to celebrate. and i threw it back at you. and for that im sorry. Today's made me realize it cant happen again, things were getting too good for it to happen again. i remember days when people were apprehensive of me being around, and i do NOT want to go back to them days again...

i may not have the money for quite a while, but i promise to you all, i swear by it. that the next event we get will make saturday look like it was nothing more than a quiet social, and ill make sure this time that your thanked for what was a fantastic night out. it was, i know that in myself. i just wish for once i could think that on the night itself instead of needing a cold reality check...

Dreams To Reality...The Final Stretch

Regrets, I've had a few...but then again, too few to mention...
I did, what I had to do...and saw it through...without exemption
I planned...each chartered course...each careful step...on the byway

One day soon, very soon, I hope to finish those lines, I hope to live a wish I've had for nearly three years now, to capture a goal set all those winters ago, in the depths of complacency, the worst nights I've ever experienced, I hope to do myself, my friends, and most of all my parents proud...while the journey is complete, the finish line remains yet unclear...soon, two weeks from now, I will know my future

To capture my feelings and accurately translate them is nearly impossible...to put into context what this next two weeks will mean and do to me is beyond my capabilities...just be sure of this, the passion contained is something I have never in my life experienced.

Nottingham Trent...you have been my dream for so many years, each night I went to sleep praying I'd walk through your doors as one of your own, I'd consider myself a success, but I let everyone down, you turned me away, I didn't deserve it...it hurt, it broke me, but I carried on...striving to one day be worth your attention once more. The day you rang me back after so many attempts, letting me know the door was not shut on my dreams, you relit the fire i...we...have never seen burn so bright. Each night I fought to get back, to do what I had to do...it's been a tough road, but every step I've conquered, I can see the door now, it's not open yet, but the keys are waiting...it's just my turn to grasp them. To make the most of a situation seldom granted once...let alone twice. I won't turn this chance down, I've given my all, I've thrown my heart at soul to the task...I just hope it's been enough.

A month from now, I have an image, sitting in tantra, friends surrounding me...drinks aplenty, smiles amongst smiles...and I will perform an act I've wished since I was oh so small, people might not like it, but it's something I've held close to my heart since many moons ago...a song, one simple song, to unleash the passion and soul that has been fighting for all this time...I will be crying when I finish, but it will be tears of triumph, tears of joy...only once have I shed tears of that kind before, and I hope it's understood why....this university is the door to a far better future than most others could provide...I want it, I've searched for it, fought for it, and dammit it's almost mine...and for once, not gifted...deserved

Anyone reading this must understand the passion and love behind it, otherwise you need to get to know me better...my life is on a self imposed edge, I just pray it's been enough, for that moment I can sit amongst friends and family and say those five sacred words...

I did it....well, you'll have to wait and see the rest

The Calm Before The Beginning

Sitting here it's hard to comprehend my career so far really, 41 events, six final tables, two wins...from that it looks rather sad but to put it into context some have thousands and no finals to their name, so I count my blessings for this...the progression has been fast yet tearful all the same, flashes of brilliance, and ignorance in the space of an hour. The world at my feet one day, on my shoulders the next...it's been good for nearly two years and shows no sign of stopping...

Good too, it's going to take all that and more to prepare for this...

Monday spells the start of my actual career, while small events are the building blocks, only by national events will a mans achievements be recognised, years from now, decades even, they won't ask how my £25 freezeout win changed my life, or that read I stuck to to make the super 50 final table...no, never

They'll ask of championships, of major final tables, what tours, what locations amongst this vast world...they'll ask of bracelets, titles and achievements, winnings and profits. Yes, these are the tools with which all us players shall be judged, for that one day someone searches online, sees one of your titles and thinks "I want to play like him"...yes, then you have made it

I sit here today, fully aware of the task laid before me, to write the opening pages on this historic road, to etch my name into the annuls of a history yet to be carved, 2000 people stand in my way, friends and foes alike, to the survivors lay two more days of hard work. Blood sweat and tears will come from this I assure you

To those at the end lie brief fame, names in lights and interviews alike, but it all rests on the champion...for they will never be forgotten, the champion of the biggest event on this patch of land, to the victor goes the spoils, all 25,000 of them...immortality never forgotten, a life forever changed.

To underestimate the size, scale and effect of this tournament would be doing it an injustice, and one I have no intention of making. I am aware of what is before me, aware of what is required...to sum up all my skill, talent, courage and determination would set me apart from the rest...it's time to make this count

I don't feel destined to win, and amazingly can't vividly imagine the win...but I can see myself approaching the final, storms blazing, cameras flashing, people cheering, a table waiting...boy, it feels good to be this prepared

The calm before the beginning, storms aplenty, tears bountiful, passion unrivalled, skills yet untapped...a future yet to be written...
Well I've got the pen ready and the pages are waiting...shall we?

The Dreams Almost Realised

This Sunday will hold some special memories for me, but for so many conflicting reasons...a dream achieved, an ambition realised, a quest almost fulfilled, a heart torn apart, a choice that was mind altering, a return to the good old days...man, it's never simple is it?

This weekend spelled a return I had been waiting for for so long, for six months I was cut from the picture, left to rot in the wilderness by people with no decent reason other than to just be harsh...it feels good to be back on the pedestal I once stood on, only this time in a better position than ever before...

People know me to be heavily trying to get back to my best, I've played 10 events in half as many weeks...each time showing a glimpse of (shockingly) more skill than ever before...for a level, or an hour, or a break at a time I've shown flashes of skill that would put me in good stead on any level...but consistency was the key, something that has been the thorn in my back for nearly 18 months, let alone the last 5 weeks...

But this day was different, I walked in and said that to be better I must focus more, take my time more...boring yet effective, dull yet skilful all the same...every deepstack id played previous had always gone better than the last...I may struggle to top this record, for quite a while

A dream achieved: my mission from the outset was to top 50 my first ever deepstack, I have always been a man of statistics and this was a big thing for me...as the places ticked down I got nervous, but something inside me said to just stay calm, the way I was playing was enough...yet again instinct proved to be the better part of valour...as the number reached 49...I actually fistpumped the air, it got confused looks, but to me, it was all I cared for

An ambition realised: every mans dream is to make a deepstack events final table, some wait months, years...some spend entire careers waiting for that elusive chance at the bigger time, me? Less than 40 events and the monkey is already gone, but it was never easy, 10 handed for over an hour felt like an eternity. The anguish of knowing to bust now would tear me apart, but to last just one more would realise something special to me, while I will have more in the years to come you always remember your first...and I will forever remember this

A quest almost fulfilled, a heart torn apart: the one thing in my book is to win one, regardless of my current skill level the dream is there to seize, and it looked shaky from the start...but as each player got knocked out, the money went up, and my ferocity increased...until that fateful moment, some say I was crazy for what I did, hindsight says I was...but regardless, I stand by it...A9 v 99...if he loses, were down to 6 and my stack is nearly at the chip leader...a thousand pounds is moments away...but alas, what the ace on the flop gives, the last 9 in the deck on the turn takes away...that ripped me apart inside but I didn't show it, I paid him off and carried on...down but never out...alas moments later luck dealt that cruelest of blows, QQ v AK...ace on the flop, what can I do? It wasn't meant to be...7th for £350 is good in anyone's eyes, but knowing that it was so close to being life altering just hurts

A choice that was mind altering: make no mistake the route to that final will never be forgotten largely because of one move...a move that has made me change my perspective on the game for years to come...facing off against the best player in the room is nice but scary all the same, so to have been beating him soundly felt nice...however one hand he pushed me to the test, and a read from before decided my fate...I'll never know if I was right, neither will he...but that one moment was different, I'd made a read. And gone with it, never before had I made a judgement call that important and stuck with it...top pair wasn't enough I was sure of it...I folded there having either saved my life or let the best player survive another day...whatever the outcome. I stand by it.

Whatever comes of Sunday I will never know, but it's reach is far, and it's implications very loud...that was a day I made a final table and didn't feel lucky, didn't feel destined to be there, I felt logically there, my choices got me there more than outside influences. And that was the greatest feeling of them all...I deserved to be there, I deserve to be at more...the dreams almost realised, it's just time to reach out and grab it

Formula One 2011: Who's Doing What And Where And How

Right, one of the few posts on this blog that decicated to opinions on sport over anything else. And this time formula one has come under my radar, below is a quick snippit of each of the drivers for this season, along with my predictions for each of them, followed by a quick overview of everything at the end...expect this to be fairly long, theres 24 drivers, 12 teams and alot of changes to go through.

1. Sebastian Vettel: The defending champion for this year, with a teams complete backing, and a stupid amount of talent yet untapped, i cant exactly see him doing any worse this year...and that irritates me to pick a champion this early, but ive got to. Top 5 finish, my pick for champion

2. Mark Webber: Now dont get me wrong, he's in the best car on the grid and more than capable of summoning the ability to defeat anyone...but i expect the team to side entirely with vettel, while this may galvanise him, i can see his determination being tested to the limit this year, most want his seat, including his own team (to give to someone else of course) so expect the highest of scrutiny as well. Top 5 finish, will retire at the end of this year

3. Lewis Hamilton: For the purpose of this blog i will ignore patriotic influences...he's one of only three drivers on the grid that can easily make a car do what it shouldnt, but as usual, he's going into the season knowing its exactly that...he's got a dog of a car and in anyone else's hands would just fall apart...but watch this space, McLaren have a habit of turning water into wine with cars. Top 5 finish

4. Jenson Button: If anyone is looking forward to the new tyres more, its this guy. Last years champion is looking a serious contender not through ability alone but through his knack of making tyres do what they really shouldnt...his finish this year depends entirely on pirelli and a perfect car...yeah...about the second one... Top 5 Finish, unless pirelli matter, then world champion

5. Fernando Alonso: Again, i have to avoid bias in this report (as i hate the guy) but its clear to see that ferarri are close to regaining the schumi-esque dominance of old...and alonso is the sole reason for that, fierce, talented and with a lapdog for a teammate, you can expect alonso to be the big challenger to vettel's crown this year...unless reliability ends them again (which looks unlikely this year). Top 5 Finish, Above massa regardless

6. Felipe Massa: I feel sorry for this guy, he's got the talent to be a world champion if he's in the right car, but the major problem is that while he's in a team with the likes of alonso, he stands no chance whatsoever of doing better than his team mate...whileever he's in ferrari, he's destined to finish second best, only now without team orders being banned...this season will show it all to clearly. Regardless of finish, its behind Alonso

7. Micheal Schumacher: Oh god, thats the last thing we need...schumi with a car built to him that actually looks fast...he's always been brutally honest with his opinions so when he sets the fastest ever testing time this season, plus is wearing a huge smile on his face...im feeling rather worried he might just get another title. Dont get me wrong i fully expect youth to beat experience this season, but still. Anywhere in the top 10

8. Nico Rosberg: Hmmm, this is a tricky one...we all know the car is built to his schumi-ness, and not to rosberg...but this guy happens to be young enough to alter his driving style to adapt, so his finish entirely depends on how fast he does that, past then, its anyone's guess... Top 10 finish, will win his first race this season

9. Nick Heidfeld: This guy has to be the luckiest man alive, seriously three times he's been on the brink of the abyss, and every time something comes up, while he is in effectively the darkest seat in the paddock this year, heidfeld is the type to put that to one side and make the most of the situation. Top 10 finish, but will retire at most once all season

10. Vitaly Petrov: Come on petrov this year is your chance, heidfeld is old and on his way out, and you dont have a juggernought like Kubica to deal with...renault will look to petrov this year to up his game, and if he doesnt i can imagine the only reason he'd stay in next season to be because of his sponsors. im yet to be convinced of his ability to do anything but annoy the front runners however. Mid table finish, pays for his seat next season, suicidal bank manager as a result

11. Rubens Barrichello: This guy just will not give up! youd think after 300+ races and endless near misses he would just retire, but clearly not. barrichello will front the williams revival and i fully expect him to do that well...the big question will be the next man on this list, as rubens's points are consistent if not small. Mid table finish, maybe the odd podium threat

12. Pastor Maldonado: Now i know nothing about this guy apart from being the defending GP2 champion, as such i expect decent things from his, largely because of the drivers that have won it in the past. Mid table finish, you never know though

13. Why the hell do they miss this number out?!

14. Adrian Sutil: Im bored to death of sutil being considered a good driver, because in formula one his skills have been VERY wide ranging, one minute he's on the cusp of a podium, the next he crashes through his own doing...inconsistency does not breed champions, although a certian hamilton would disagree with that. Mid table finish, Position tenative

15. Paul Di Resta: YES!!! ive been waiting for this guy to make his debut for quite some time, and finally he gets the chance to prove his worth, throughout his younger career he's beaten the people that in F1 are considered the best, so it will be nice to see it again, force india have a package...but could paul be the 4th to create chances that just shouldnt exist with said package? Mid table finish, but one of my two darkhorses this season, will NOT be in force india for long

16. Kamui Kobayashi: Yikes, the japanese tsunami was one of the most feared on record. and the wave was pretty strong too. seriously though kobayashi is one of those drivers that just doesnt care about his car's 5 million plus price tag, he'd sooner bury it into the wall getting a space than sit back and take anything less...if sauber's package is as good as some are saying, we may just have a lunatic with a good car...funtimes ahead. Mid table finish, but that will be off the back of massive results, and massive crashes along the way, my second darkhorse this season

17. Sergio Perez: If his talent is anything close to the wallet that brought this seat, then we could have a shocker on our hands, but i highly doubt that, yes he topped the timesheets one session, but that was a qualifying pace...wait isnt that half of the work? oh yeah... Mid to bottom table finish, but will last about as long as his wallet does, and no longer, expect his results to directly correlate to his bank balance

18. Sebastian Buemi: Now this guy annoys the living hell out of me, he's an ok driver, but by no means brilliant, i cant see his making much headway this season apart from a few decent finishes, but the seat he will inevitably get in red bull at the end of this season is NOT deserved in anyway shape or form...good job hamilton become avaliable the year after then i guess... Bottom table finish, will end the season not deserving of the red bull seat, but end up getting it anyway

19. Jamie Alguersuari: Simply put i rate jamie over buemi, but the only downside is i cant imagine him being the best of the two at the end of the season, which is a shame...this is a team that is pretty much an auto-promotion to the bigger times...and i dont reckon that idea works, but oh well...oh and yeah, sort your super liscence out, as it stands your a drag racer, not an f1 driver! Bottom table finish, may get the red bull seat but will seriously have to pull a rabbit out of his backside to make it happen

20. Jarno Trulli: He is beginning to stagnate about as much as his wine...and be about as repulsive to the senses as well (ive drank the stuff, its crap)...while he used to have that spark back in the day he's falling from grace like all drivers do, the only downside is he's slating everyone on the way down as well... Bottom table finish, i hear the vineyards calling...

21. Heikki Kovalainen: Far too good to be in the team he is but lotus are making serious noises that theyve improved, and i believe it, its just that the flying finn really should be flying...to another team, and fast. he wasnt good enough for mclaren, but he's too good for this outfit. Bottom table finish, but will score the teams first points...he would be one of those "gets more out of the car" types...but this low down, thats not hard

22. Narain Karthikeyan: didnt you retire? why didnt you stay that way?...the only reason he scored points was because of THAT race...and to be honest its a wonder he scored any then either (yes, it was impossible not to score, im aware of this...), its good to see an indian on the grid for the new race, but really? your entire earnings from america? really?? Bottom table finish, what a waste of money

23. Timo Glock: I really dont know what to make of this guy, in toyota he looked decent, but down here he looks awful, im sure its just the car...or at least i hope it is, but down here he stands no chance of ever making it back out, basically what timo did was crawl down a pit then threw away his own key going to virgin. Bottom table finish, key still missing

24. Jerome D'ambrosio: I'm sorry, anyone named after a custard is going to flop in my book, and judging by the car, it looks about as flimsy as well. if i knew something about this guy i could say more, but he's about as unknown as anyone could be. Bottom table finish, my pick for the wooden spoon

Hope Unrivaled, Spirits On Edge

Writing this at half two in the morning sort of brings home the whole point of this blog really...the thoughts and feelings that cannot be expressed any other way...and tonight, this morning, this day week or month...I think, feel and worry more than pretty much ever before

University has always been my goal, my aspiration...my whole purpose and drive for so many long years. But august 19th last year tore that from me...only through a last gasp effort, not to mention serious sacrifices...kept that dream alive. And while I'm happy to have not completely failed, those sacrifices made in those last hours have really been hitting home, moreso now knowing that I could have missed my chance at a better future by mere days.

I detest derby with a passion most people are all to familiar with. Organisation is terrible, the commuting hurts like crazy, the tutors are crap at the best of times, the work is far easier than expected but for the first year ultimately pointless...the students mostly have attitude problems and the general feel of the place is that it's a case of "this is the best you could do"

And that's not me...I've never been the person to sit back and take second best! I'm the person that pushes boundaries, causes controversy, expects the most and usually gets it. For all the pessimism I've never once actually given up hope...never once thought all was lost, there's always been that fire, no matter how tiny...that burning passion to get everything I want, when I want it. Fighters never die...and nearly 20 years on, this kid surely hasn't either.

Recently though this drive has left me with the biggest hurt in my life. For I am a person all about knowledge. And not knowing something is not what I'm built to do, I prise information wherever I can, at whatever price...I have the chance to go to Nottingham Trent. The university (quite literally) of my dreams...but it's late applications, and nobody is sure, least of all me...if my application got in in time...I had ten days leeway from last years final deadline...but they've had over 200 extra applicants...yes the requirements are up 40 points, but is that enough? Has that made the defining difference that keeps me under the deadline. I don't know, nobody can tell me for sure and that's what's killing me inside.

If I've made it, the elation will be all to plain to see
If I've not made it, the despair will be all to plain to see

If one thing in my life has ever meant something to me more, it's this...every night I lay here and dream, wish, hope that my dream becomes a reality, that I prove to the world how much I really am worth. That my original aims are always within my reach. To drag myself out of this dump and make something of my life the way I want to...I spend my nights crying with worry...the lack of knowing hurting me the most. The praying lasting the longest...

The hope is Unrivaled, my spirits on edge. For that one moment in my life may lead to greater things, happier times...or the realisation that I've failed in my quest. The worry is killing me...the lack of knowing is killing me more...

Bouncing Back

My word, two blogs in two days...its not going to stay this way but at the moment I feel on top of the world...only one thing can make this complete, but I'll save that for another blog if it actually happens

I write this, with a feeling in my stomach I haven't experienced since the "I don't give a f*ck cause its going to work" days...back when I was 9 years old...I feel rejuvenated, alive, confident, prepared for the challenges ahead knowing that just a simple case of having some balls really is the key to success

This last weekend was a tale of three parts, but each part has sown in me the seeds to feel bigger than ever before, to feel as if whatever I do can be accomplished if I put my mind to it.

Friday: a night out planned at the last moment but still managed to be quite good, sure I ended up depressed, but something told me it was just a drop in the ocean

Saturday: a night where I needed serious persuading to come out and a night where for ten brief seconds I'd given up all hope of nights out, seeing people...everything, but something changed (yes, I'm not being cryptic with this one)...James, if your reading this, thank you, I'm fairly sure you did almost all the work to make things tick, but i had to prove I was worth the time, and while I could be proved wrong, I think I did pretty f*cking well on that night...what it has done is present me with a dilemma...I've never had that situation arise before, it's brought back a craving I haven't experienced in years...but it's one I feel can be achieved if I be who I am, rather than who people tell me I am...confident to the point of arrogance...but actually able to back it up

Sunday: a night that wasn't even planned again...but turned out to be rather sick, Neil, if your reading this...you've relit the passion I'd lost after being cast into the wilderness...since my return it's made me crave more, crave better...this is where I make my name...and now I truly believe I can do it, it may take years, but it's gonna be a hell of a ride


Yeah...im bouncing back, it may have been 10 years of feeling like a worthless piece of crap, but with the few friends around me, and the healing process almost over...and the results starting to show after so long, I reckon this could be the start of something rather nice :)

A Journey Not Faced Alone

Many days ago, in the depths of 2008...I had a vision, it was a strange one filled with hope, promise and expectation...it was one to shape the lives of those that believed in it, and influence those around it...and while the route has been met with difficulty along the way, struggles and challenges alike...it only makes the heart grow fonder.

To become successful at a game I'd spent almost my entire life playing was ambitious, but hardly out of reach...to experience each final table knowing it continued me on the path I needed to be, each win pointing out this was more than mere fantasy...I would love to experience that mix of emotions again...and while a little rusty, I expect the return to the heights being quick in time, and thrilling along the way

My return didn't last long, the mistakes were those of someone not playing live for a while...obvious, but at the same time correctable. What matters is the feeling that I had that day. A feeling of elation, I'd served my time reluctantly, but it just relit the passion and the fire within...it burns bright, a beacon in the night sky to guide along the same path I was pulled off six months ago.

And that's where I make a new pledge, but it's one I cannot do alone...I ask all of you, regardless of background and past opinions. To join me on this journey...it may be long, it may have bumps along the way...but I assure you, the feeling along the way will not be rivalled by anything....the end goal without equal...I will promise to see all those along this road well...one wins, we all win...

A journey not faced alone is a good one, the support channeled through makes one feel invincible...for that one moment in life, with friends, family and well-wishers by the side, where we say we Have. No. Equal

Live The Dream

Another blog this month, although on happier tones...a man sitting in a chair, during his peak years. Writing about the joys of today and the dreams of tomorrow.

I sit here, with a update stream beside me, that of the UKIPT Nottingham...people who know me well can understand the giddy excitement and sheer jealousy I'm feeling right now, the worlds great players...all congregated in the place I once called home...at a distance I could probably walk to see, it makes me proud that such great people would grace the turf and felt that I once roamed...but it also fills me with dissapointment...that I could not be there myself.

It also fills me with hope...in three weeks I should have my name back on a system I was beginning to take a grasp on, the form going out was special...three final tables in four events...one of those a win, one of those my first deepstack final table...the promise was there, the talent was building...but all of a sudden I was cut asunder. Six months surrounded by why's and what if's...but to be honest, I thank them for it.

It's relit my passion, the burning fire for the game that I once tasted back in 2009...ive spent this entire decade (yes, all two months of it) with the lust for a game and a feeling I only enjoyed/endured as a 17 year old with dreams of the big time...17/09/2008 will be a date not to be forgotten, the thrill of my first game...the worry of dissapointing myself, the excitement of knowing the turn of a card could make me cry or rich...I know myself I will feel that same excited sensation when I make my return that I once experienced way back then.,.a career to regain momentum. People to see from years goneby...and the joy of knowing I will create events designed to show people my world, to experience joy, worry, terror and elation all in the space of five cards on a table...I hope they do well, and I wish them all the best

It's time to live the dream...I did once, and I don't want to lose it again

Other News: I would also like to congratulate Dusk Till Dawn for their record field this weekend...you've shown the world that this island nation can draw the very finest players in their masses, and for that we all thank you...and wish you luck with the next grand prix!

If a Long Run Does Exist, We Should All Be Fine

Before I start this, alot of people have been moaning about the fact that my blogs are far too cryptic. And that I need to get to the point, for this I will try, but if I drift off then I've clearly failed

I'm writing this half to make myself feel better, and half to speak to a small minority in the world, the people who give but never get, the people who facilitate peoples enjoyment but come out empty handed themselves...those people who act like saints to their friends and supporters, but get far from saintful responses in return

Last night I started my first pub crawl, the intention to draw out everyone who I'd seen from nights gone by and get us all one massive night to enjoy ourselves...it was actually a quiet night, half because of a birthday on the same night but half because of people backing out...eventually we ended up with 7 of us, but 6 seemed nice except for one vital problem...one where if I get my way it will never happen again

5 lads, 2 girls

That right there spells disaster, and it's common knowledge that the people with confidence will be the lucky ones and those with either a lack of...or those with an understanding to step aside when they can't compete. Get nothing (yes, I differentiate between those who can't pull and those who can't based on who there trying to pull against)

Now obviously everyone reading this now gets a cheap laugh at my expense (some of you assholes probably will be already) but yes, I was one of those 3 that failed to score that night...what hurt me and enraged me more was not that fact...but more how it happened

1 of the lads, a good mate of mine...already had a girlfriend (down to 4)
1 of the lads disappeared halfway through the night (down to 3)

Now you see where this is going, only one lad was going home with nothing but a headache, mine feels like it got kicked in instead...at the start of the night I had my eyes on one of them, a right beauty it must be said, if there was ever a girl I'd be going "fuck me she's hot!" then that was one...and speaking to one of the lads, I made my opinion known, and he openly said he'd step aside for me, which I respected hugely, as I'd done that for every night out up to that point

So why then, not even two hours later, was I having to watch something like that (work it out idiots)....and all I got back was a bunch of fake appologies, clearly designed to infuriate me more?! I'm only a small town kid, never had a girlfriend, barely any confidence...I get my kicks off good nights out with people I like for company...and what happens? A kick in the teeth for organising it in the first place from a so called friend who supposedly had stepped aside for a low confidence fool!

Now it brings me to my point...this is a message to all those people who try to be nice, try to do things for others, try to organise people to have a good time. And as a result are subsequently walked over

It's not your fault, the people around you don't respect the things you do, your situation or anything else...don't rise to the challenge if you feel it's going to end badly anyway, and don't start going around mashing faces up (as it stands I'm writing this with a completely fucked up right hand...learn from my mistakes).
The good guys get it good in the end, sure we have to go through irritations in body and soul...but think of it this way..,you organise the places and people that go wrong, this time organise it so things are hugely in your favour, you may have lost the chance with all others previous. But then choose new people...choose specific people...don't invite those who get in your way, cause you problems, and turn that innocent person you are into either a wreck or a violent lunatic...neither help in the end, but getting your chance one day, whenever it is, whatever it is...be it finding the girl you want, having the night out of your life, or just meeting new and exciting people...will make it all worthwhile

Just realise this, if a long run does exist, we should all be fine in the end

Wait, I Can Do Better Than This

I write this, as I do most of my blogs...on a state of new beginnings, the realisation that the old ways of learning have become not only old, but also intensely tiresome. The people who you used to teach me are the same, they remain friends...but methods are becoming tiresome, and their attitudes even worse.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a saint...when people teach me they take on more than just a vessel for knowledge, it becomes a torrent of ignorance after failures...if ideas don't work, I'll usually shun them aside, blame bad luck and be done with it...but what you do get in the long run is a tireless worker determined to improve and rise the ranks, and that is true in any game I play, any task I do, anything at all I meet with steely resolve, albeit a loud and hypercritical one.

Now when I started this new path five months ago, I wanted to be the best, leap before walk and run...it had minor success but for the most part was fairly lacklustre...fortunately this new path brought me into contact with some of the very best, and some of the worst...lucky to have a spectrum to work with I set the task of learning from the best, watching the tendencies of the worst, and improving at a rate most would struggle to match...until today, that was working well, but now I have a very simple message. Think of it not as scathing, but more as "constructive critisism"

Im going my own way with this one now guys, you've given me enough headaches and I probably have you as well

While the intentions were nice, the methods were at times questionable, at times downright pointless...what must be understood is that mindlessly showing the routes, and mindlessly saying which weapons to use helps nobody, while some of these weapons may be better in the long run, if the player is unfamiliar with them, then they hold no use, why try to push on the idea that the best should be used when the player may be better trained with other materials? "a trained man with fists will defeat an entire room of men with swords, but give him a gun, he will only fell so many"

Secondly, just because you understand of a method with certain tools, does not mean that all other methods are wrong, some games contain many parameters, and there is no defined way to play, anyone who thinks this is blind towards all possibilities and in the long run will lose out...if someone makes a play that is considered sub par in golf, the caddy doesn't randomly start screaming at the player, then by the third hole takes the clubs and plays the rest of the way themselves?! That shows a mark of disrespect and arrogance to think of yourself better than everyone else and that you naturally have to take over from them for their mistakes...remember one day you used to be that rookie, practicing his first strikes...if someone else had stolen your weapon every time you made a mistake to "show you how it's done" how would it feel?

Never forget your roots, one day you may have to come down that ladder and meet those same people again...how you've acted then might change how they act now

And thirdly, and this is a big one for me, respect your opponents...no matter how good you think you are, no matter how good the weapons in your arsenal are, you show the man opposite you the same respect you would yourself, to disregard them and write them off is doing your game a disservice...you never know what small minded, weak, feeble, hunched over old man (that you've written off) will do, they could very easily have the tools to stop you, you can never be assured of victory so don't go into fights and matches thinking so....it is also never justifiable, ever in life to ask, or worse, expect someone to roll over just because you've told them they have no hope, that's utterly disgraceful and more than likely gonna get them fired up, and the weak one in the corner usually roars the loudest, especially when they occasionally win that supposed "impossible matchup"

So the end of this just leaves me to understand I'm taking a new path, some methods of learning just aren't built for some people...but regardless, one day, some day, that student is going to sit there and say "wait, I can do better than these people give me credit for, this is my time, my chance"

Wait, I can do better than that, can I?

(yes, I'm well aware that this can be read into too easily for one of my blogs, but I don't care, your good mates lads and I hope it stays that way, but the methods are becoming irritating, and the egotistical attitudes are becoming disgusting...I tell it like it is and stand by that, if you don't like how I've said it, feel free to discuss it with me)

Seeing Is Believing

Well, its finally the start of a new year, my 20Th and the start of my third decade on this planet...its been a roller coaster ride from then to now and it shows no signs of stopping. And you know what...i wouldn't want it any other way.

I'm sitting here thinking of the year gone by, 2010 had a lot of points from both ends...a career taking off, but cutting short all in the same year...a new game found, but frustration along the way...a new chapter in education, tough, but so far quite rewarding...many other things have gone from good to bad and back again...but this year starts on its own page, its own slate.

Except this year doesn't start with hopeful promises yet to be achieved...it starts with the mindset and the imagination to make things happen. it starts with the realisation that it only takes 12 hours of skill and luck to make a serious impression on the main stage, but its common knowledge that a bit of skill in a satellite...then five days of the best i could give...could make impressions that change the course of my future...i have vivid pictures of trophies, interviews, dreams being realised.

That's what makes me smile going into this year, its not that i want these things to happen, but can actually imagine them happening...to be able to sit here and picture success on such a scale is something I'm good at, but usually put to one side when i come to common sense...either the common sense isn't there, or this could actually be more than mere fantasy...but of course...seeing is believing...