Yeah, That Needs Sorting, I Need Sorting

Pondering an Ascension, a Gambit of sorts, Cast Through Time on Restless Dreams, a Volt Charge to one day feel Liberated, Fuel For The Cause? im not sure...but its a Destructive Force that's for sure.

Amazing how looking at a simple hobby can influence the mind on days it needs to be fired up from a downswing...

Not having the parents here is actually a blessing in disguise, something i could have done with years ago, being able to sit there, and do nothing more than think, wonder, work out the problems and the pleasures of life...at least now i know I've worked somethings out

Last night i had the party i had spent years hoping for...it was meant to be a celebration of joys yet to be touched, a victory night of sorts, a time to sit down and go "you've earned this"...well that's what should have happened. For some reason i ended up sickeningly depressed, and its took until now for me to sit down and work out why such a night turned into disaster within moments.

Problem is, i still cant work out why.

I've sat down, looked back on the night, and at no point does it explain why i went from the hyper, happy giddy person id become over the last few weeks, into the person id spent so much time and effort getting away from. It was all to evident to see as well, people were actually talking as friends, instead of merely putting up with me like they used to, like they probably do now. I felt as if for once, id been acting like a normal person, enjoying life for the points it made me smile for, ignoring the downsides of life (it must be said recently nothing has gone wrong like it used to).

Except last night, for whatever reason, turned me into the gibbering "hate everything because nothing works" idiot i used to be...and im not happy about it, i had friends surrounding me, places to ourselves, drinks aplenty. and none of it looks like it was enough

Peter. Grow the fuck up.

Working things out today has made me realize myself that i need to keep doing what i was, and get a grip on a life that until recently was going nowhere slowly. im sorry to everyone for the way i acted last night, even if it was partly my night, you came out to enjoy it, to celebrate. and i threw it back at you. and for that im sorry. Today's made me realize it cant happen again, things were getting too good for it to happen again. i remember days when people were apprehensive of me being around, and i do NOT want to go back to them days again...

i may not have the money for quite a while, but i promise to you all, i swear by it. that the next event we get will make saturday look like it was nothing more than a quiet social, and ill make sure this time that your thanked for what was a fantastic night out. it was, i know that in myself. i just wish for once i could think that on the night itself instead of needing a cold reality check...