Second Chance No...Since When Did You Get A Third?!

This is me writing quite suprised to be honest. My fears were justified as i was two grades down on what i needed (it worked out that i was only 20 points down off getting what i needed, which worked out to be 10 marks...ten marks out of a combined total of about 800 hurts but still). As a result both my main choice and my insurance choice went for a fail, but silver linings do exist...sometimes in places most wouldnt expect.

True business is the route id love to go down, but that doesnt seem to work (Derby gave me the offer of business but it was on a waiting list, and i seriously dont want to risk that going wrong) but then they threw me a lifeline...a third chance if you will, Marketing...its a field i know almost nothing about, but it apparently has the option of adding additional modules in the second and third years, those could very easily be business related and as such put me back on track.

Now if im honest i didnt even consider marketing, journalism politics and other parts of business was what i got stuck in my mind, lord knows even being a DJ was in my mind before this...but then it occured to me that marketing has its uses in business far more than most other ideas i had.

I keep being told that i shouldnt jump into choices, and yes i aggree this is a big choice to make as it takes up the next three years of my life and leaves me tens of thousands in debt...but i know myself that to hesitate in clearing is a bad idea, as the choices keep vanishing every waking moment...considering that the entire thing only lasts three weeks and they have to get through probably a million students, i consider myself fairly lucky that i got an offer on my first call, to a university near enough to dodge accomodation costs, yet far enough away to avoid the parents for most of the days...in a course that isnt exactly close but isnt a million miles away from where i wanted to be anyway...its rushing yes and i know thats a bad idea, but its a sure fire chance and i dont want to hesistate and realise its gone...that would be devestating because i know myself that id just give up. Something i really dont want to do.

So in the end today's been quite good, its not perfect in anyway, lord knows if it was id still be in trent and id still be doing international business...but its still uni, its only 10 miles away from my target, and the course still branches under the same title...surely life cant be that bad because of this?

There Aint No Second Chances

I write this blog less to tell people my problems, but more to get things off my chest, im worried...on a scale i can scarcely match before.

As most people are aware, A level results are tomorrow (as i write this, about 10 hours away)...and i write this with a chill down my body ive only experienced a handful of times before...and never on this magnitude either.

Ive failed, something is telling me this as clear as day and im conceeding that it is most likely right...i wish id tried harder, i wish id paid attention more when it mattered, i wish id been capable of listening to teachers id have much rather throttled, i wish id revised alot more, i wish id understood alot more, i wish i hadnt froze up during the exams and that my brain didnt freeze up...i wish i was better for my parents.

They gave so much for me to have the chances ive had today, almost all my old friends fell by the wayside, fell into dead end jobs destined to never make it further than they are now...but they stuck by me, gave me the opportunity to change for the better...i feel ive squandered it...and tomorrow will confirm it in a way as harsh as it could ever be.

Im scared, i detest ever being able to say that but i am actually worried about whats to come, and what will lead on from it...i just feel that while ive been blessed with good fortune for most of my life, i dont feel that any amount of luck is going to save this mess...divine guidance is about the closest thing to a saviour possible and i cant see that happening either.

As it stands ive currently got friends trying to look on the bright side, its cute but ultimately useless...its my greatest asset and failing that im too level headed to think positive or negative, i merely see all the possibilities laid in front of me...and then analyse those to work out which i think is likely...the scary and depressing thing is that my brain never even tried to analyse the good options...it went straight to the bad and stuck with it...negative thinking to some yes but it just looks like the only option for me at the moment.

Some people are saying i shouldnt trust myself, and part of me wants to believe them, but most of me realises that my predictions are rarely if ever wrong, and the frightening thing is that they are usually understated...while it is true they were wrong before (on my previous results no less) i dont expect that to be the same this time round...partly because these matter more, but partly because i can imagine i used all my wishes just to get through that round...this one wont be so easy.

Yes true clearing does exist...but when your dad puts the news on explaining that 200,000 people will not make it to uni regardless how much they try...and may not even find employment after a year...thats words that just chilled me to the bone...me, a person who has spent his life trying to be the far reacher...about to be named as one of the countless thousands...destined to blend into society and become nothing more than a place filler...i swore to my dying day that i would avoid that...but this one is different...the grading (and the place filling) is out of my hands...

Im rambling on but its hard to express the feelings im having at the moment...or lack of them so to speak...thirteen years...could all be about to come to nothing in the space of three short letters...true thirteen has always held significance with me and usually for good reasons...but not today, i dont feel in my heart of hearts this one can be saved...

Where i go from here is the big question...i need options, at the moment my mind is too clouded and battered to come up with any solutions...and to be fair i struggled to find any with a clear head either...its concerning me more that all the effort the family i love put in has gone to waste...i did this all for them, and ive let them down...ive let them all down

Idol's Who Forget

now it must be said i adore some poker pro's...some of them make my day better just to hear their success stories, some id love to have the chance to meet, that chance to compete, but then sometimes you find the odd one or two that really irritate, and for a reason that some hold close, and one that ive made a point to remind myself of all my life

Never Forget Your Roots

people who follow this know im a very big fan of twitter (PeterThorpe1991 cough) and that its very good to keep people up to date with what their idols are doing...its also known that poker players have seriously taken to twitter in recent months, so its become ever more useful, they update reguarly, in some cases from the thick of the action (GoingBrokeJRB - he was posting videos from the world series tables, knowing it was getting him a penalty) (EricMizrachi, TheGrinder44 - these guys kept us all updated during the late days of the main event, what a ride that was)...but sometimes you end up hearing stuff that, when taken to one side just hurts...i wont say who cause (if i ever make it) i dont want to be causing enemys.

"Top prize is £57,000...which is nice"

now i happen to know the big difference in this person between being elated and being merely satisfied, and this was being nothing more than ok with that amount...

what the hell...when i read that it wound me up almost straight away, im sorry but nobody should ever be able to say that fifty seven grand merely ok...that type of money most of us mere mortals take five years to make, some of us will never see such an amount combined at one time in our lives...yet he stands a very good chance of making it, and is merely happy...

do some of these players not remember the days when making a profit in the £0.50/£1 cash games was a nice night? do these players not remember their first win and the elation it brought? do they not remember all the people theyve played alongside during those weaker, leaner days? to consider such an amount of money anything other than massive sort of proves that some pros clearly dont remember the route which got them there.

dont get me wrong, some of the current pro's are incrediably down to earth (Annette_15 for example, when betfair sorted her 21st birthday, she was over the moon, i know of some pro's that get pissed off because they havent been invited to any parties in over a week, GET OVER YOURSELF!)


Now im sorry...i have never in my life forgotten the roots and the route that i took to get where i am today, yes ive been to private school (not exactly through choice) but i still know people from my junior school days, and ive been out on the piss with them alot and will always look after them...yes im attempting to get to uni, but i know people who are already working and i will never see them wrong in my life, let alone forget them...yes ive won two events, final tabled three others and top 50'ed almost all the events ive ever played...but i still appreciate a deep run, i still love the feeling of making it to one, even though its now becoming less uncommon...if i ever became a poker pro, a millionare, a top class businessman...id still remember those same people, those same thrills, those same joys that got me there...i would never consider myself to be above anyone else...id never consider things to be mine for granted, and id happily let my friends punch me if i EVER went anywhere close to doing that...because lets face it, no matter how big you are, youve got to work alongside people, youve got to appreciate what you get, for it may not last...nobody's at the top forever...ask tiger woods

Dont step on any fingers on your way up to the top, youve got to come down eventually

1. for anyone paying enough attention to twitter and the date of this post they may be able to work out who that quote was from
2. the parties pro...should be obvious to anyone who follows big name pro's on twitter

When Is It Enough?

Ive been sitting down and thinking about this for some time, but now it seems i have to give it some serious thought...turning to poker a little bit more than before.

Three back to back final tables, something i never thought id acomplish in my lifetime...one of those was a win to go with it, and im struggling to work out if its just dumb luck or if i should take this as a sign. ive heard many people mention they needs years worth of results to understand how good they are as a player...and to a point i agree, if i decided to turn pro off the back of three events i could consider myself a complete moron. but 28 events and 15 top 50's in eleven months...surely thats got to speak for itself...every time ive cashed, ive made the final table...just under half the FT's are wins...and this is all before im 19...im not sure to count this as just running good, or playing good

just a random blog yes, but its confusing me, is this luck or the start of something more?

Bricks Thrown, Foundations Laid

Now this is going to sound very daft to the probably two people that follow my blogs, if its even that many, but stick with it, youll see the passion behind the one writing it in one simple page

Im sick to death of people constantly trying to knock me down in any which way possible, you may think im a dick, you may think im shit at the things i do, but ive got some news for you

I dont care, anyone who knows me understands im a bull that cant be tamed, ive been knocked down all my life and only become stronger as a result, call me crap all you like, insult me all you like...my ambitions will NOT be tamed, one day ill be at the top looking down on you all, and the words i told you so will be oh so sweet...i wont be stopped, not by any of you, not by anyone else

Ive spent my life chasing dreams most people wouldnt even attempt, and ive stood by my choices, many times ive had people throwing opinions at me, usually saying im stupid for attempting the things ive done in the past, and the things i plan to do in the future...leading me down dark roads according to some, making me more of a dick to others...but since when, in all my near 19 years have i ever listened?

Some people do have words of encouragement, few and far between but cherished all the same, its rare that someone stands by me and the things i do, the words i say. so when they do it means alot (im only on about a few people, and they should know who they are by now)...ive been able to spend my life building on adversity, so the few times i get support it builds me more so.

Im rambling, i know i am, but im just getting fed up of hearing people thinking that these barrage of insults will ever get me down, they'll get me angry (as this note has pretty much proved) but all it does is strengthen my resolve. Some of you dont like the way i act...thats me, ive never cared for what i say, its up to you to either put up or shut up. Some of you dont like the things i do...since when have your negative opinions ever stopped me? usually it makes me more determined to do it. Some of you dislike the goals i have for my future...yes they are very unorthadox, but ive spent my life making it obvious i thrive on things that arent conventional, and lord knows ive become better at them, nothing any of you say can or will change that.

Im a poker player in the making, soon to attempt the highest ranks in the coming years
I wear my emotions on my sleeve, thrown out there whenever it becomes needed or passion takes over
Im brutally honest, the things i say cause controversy but are usually bang on with their meaning
My attitude changes all the time. elation, despair and anger can be less than seconds apart
Im beyond caring, ive thrown myself in the way over the years to protect my friends, and i always will
My passion for the things i do has never and will never be matched by anyone

Dont like that? deal with it, thats who i am, thats who i was born to be, and thats who i always will be, nothing any of you can say can change it, so you can either go against me, have your cheap laughs but ultimately waste your breath, or stand by the things i say and the things i do, it might be bumpy, but its gonna be one hell of a ride, and when the ride's over, ive swore id see my close friends right, and i always will

Successful men have built foundations from the bricks others have thrown at him