There Aint No Second Chances

I write this blog less to tell people my problems, but more to get things off my chest, im worried...on a scale i can scarcely match before.

As most people are aware, A level results are tomorrow (as i write this, about 10 hours away)...and i write this with a chill down my body ive only experienced a handful of times before...and never on this magnitude either.

Ive failed, something is telling me this as clear as day and im conceeding that it is most likely right...i wish id tried harder, i wish id paid attention more when it mattered, i wish id been capable of listening to teachers id have much rather throttled, i wish id revised alot more, i wish id understood alot more, i wish i hadnt froze up during the exams and that my brain didnt freeze up...i wish i was better for my parents.

They gave so much for me to have the chances ive had today, almost all my old friends fell by the wayside, fell into dead end jobs destined to never make it further than they are now...but they stuck by me, gave me the opportunity to change for the better...i feel ive squandered it...and tomorrow will confirm it in a way as harsh as it could ever be.

Im scared, i detest ever being able to say that but i am actually worried about whats to come, and what will lead on from it...i just feel that while ive been blessed with good fortune for most of my life, i dont feel that any amount of luck is going to save this mess...divine guidance is about the closest thing to a saviour possible and i cant see that happening either.

As it stands ive currently got friends trying to look on the bright side, its cute but ultimately useless...its my greatest asset and failing that im too level headed to think positive or negative, i merely see all the possibilities laid in front of me...and then analyse those to work out which i think is likely...the scary and depressing thing is that my brain never even tried to analyse the good options...it went straight to the bad and stuck with it...negative thinking to some yes but it just looks like the only option for me at the moment.

Some people are saying i shouldnt trust myself, and part of me wants to believe them, but most of me realises that my predictions are rarely if ever wrong, and the frightening thing is that they are usually understated...while it is true they were wrong before (on my previous results no less) i dont expect that to be the same this time round...partly because these matter more, but partly because i can imagine i used all my wishes just to get through that round...this one wont be so easy.

Yes true clearing does exist...but when your dad puts the news on explaining that 200,000 people will not make it to uni regardless how much they try...and may not even find employment after a year...thats words that just chilled me to the bone...me, a person who has spent his life trying to be the far reacher...about to be named as one of the countless thousands...destined to blend into society and become nothing more than a place filler...i swore to my dying day that i would avoid that...but this one is different...the grading (and the place filling) is out of my hands...

Im rambling on but its hard to express the feelings im having at the moment...or lack of them so to speak...thirteen years...could all be about to come to nothing in the space of three short letters...true thirteen has always held significance with me and usually for good reasons...but not today, i dont feel in my heart of hearts this one can be saved...

Where i go from here is the big question...i need options, at the moment my mind is too clouded and battered to come up with any solutions...and to be fair i struggled to find any with a clear head either...its concerning me more that all the effort the family i love put in has gone to waste...i did this all for them, and ive let them down...ive let them all down