Hope Unrivaled, Spirits On Edge

Writing this at half two in the morning sort of brings home the whole point of this blog really...the thoughts and feelings that cannot be expressed any other way...and tonight, this morning, this day week or month...I think, feel and worry more than pretty much ever before

University has always been my goal, my aspiration...my whole purpose and drive for so many long years. But august 19th last year tore that from me...only through a last gasp effort, not to mention serious sacrifices...kept that dream alive. And while I'm happy to have not completely failed, those sacrifices made in those last hours have really been hitting home, moreso now knowing that I could have missed my chance at a better future by mere days.

I detest derby with a passion most people are all to familiar with. Organisation is terrible, the commuting hurts like crazy, the tutors are crap at the best of times, the work is far easier than expected but for the first year ultimately pointless...the students mostly have attitude problems and the general feel of the place is that it's a case of "this is the best you could do"

And that's not me...I've never been the person to sit back and take second best! I'm the person that pushes boundaries, causes controversy, expects the most and usually gets it. For all the pessimism I've never once actually given up hope...never once thought all was lost, there's always been that fire, no matter how tiny...that burning passion to get everything I want, when I want it. Fighters never die...and nearly 20 years on, this kid surely hasn't either.

Recently though this drive has left me with the biggest hurt in my life. For I am a person all about knowledge. And not knowing something is not what I'm built to do, I prise information wherever I can, at whatever price...I have the chance to go to Nottingham Trent. The university (quite literally) of my dreams...but it's late applications, and nobody is sure, least of all me...if my application got in in time...I had ten days leeway from last years final deadline...but they've had over 200 extra applicants...yes the requirements are up 40 points, but is that enough? Has that made the defining difference that keeps me under the deadline. I don't know, nobody can tell me for sure and that's what's killing me inside.

If I've made it, the elation will be all to plain to see
If I've not made it, the despair will be all to plain to see

If one thing in my life has ever meant something to me more, it's this...every night I lay here and dream, wish, hope that my dream becomes a reality, that I prove to the world how much I really am worth. That my original aims are always within my reach. To drag myself out of this dump and make something of my life the way I want to...I spend my nights crying with worry...the lack of knowing hurting me the most. The praying lasting the longest...

The hope is Unrivaled, my spirits on edge. For that one moment in my life may lead to greater things, happier times...or the realisation that I've failed in my quest. The worry is killing me...the lack of knowing is killing me more...