Conflicting Emotions, Overridden By Desire

Complication, Vindication, Justification, Preperation, Anticipation.

Five of the most powerful adjectives a young man can use, five words to describe the past year, five words giving nothing close to a true account of the way things have felt, been, seen.

To go back to august 2010 would basically be going to a whole different person. I was sitting here worried about my A level results...although the feeling of failure was all to real. I had the job of my dreams, only to find it was totally different underneath the image it had presented...I was feeling depressed about just about everything. It seemed I could do no right. I was bigger then, looking in a mirror was a chore, nothing more.

Oh, how a year changes everything

The year itself has shown what this young lad from Nottingham is truly made of, it tested willpower, determination, it tested resolve of the spirit almost daily, all along the way I felt like I grew up so quickly, sometimes too quickly...I rushed through things I've later grown to regret, I've been to slow in things I've later grown to regret. This whole life game isn't ever easy is it?

But in the end, those five words hold no truer meaning than they do now, those same five words would have been brushed aside as mere fantasy all but a year ago. Now they stand at the forefront of my mind, an achievement still being written.

Complication, throughout the year things have got in the way of my ambitions, things came up set to ruin me at times, cause mere nuisances in others...but let me tell you this, each one was met with panic and resolve in equal measure, times of desperation and worry met with a mind working at it's peak, as far as we know, all have been met...only time will tell if that is truly the case.

Vindication, all of the hard work, all of the months of excitement and pain, the days of elation, to the nights of despair, I went through them all, and came out on top...today I signed the release form for derby, today I stepped into the hole I called a university for the last time, today was a true realisation I had achieved all I had set out to do. Never has that happened before, never before had I put so much effort into anything in my life...and while the journey continues, I realise that with my steely resolve, anything is possible.

Justification, for all the tens of thousands spent on my life to date, from all the years of lessons, life and education alike. From the times of comfort and scolding from friends and family alike...today, tonight, right now as I type this, as I speak it out loud in my mind. I have justified not only my determination, but also all of your faith in me.

Preperation, the times ahead will not be easy, life will throw up challenges that require the very best minds to defeat...a year ago I would have curled up in a ball to avoid them, not anymore...with my mindset now it is only a matter of careful planning and consideration that will see even the tallest of mountains fall. I will give everything my upmost dedication, of that you have my word.

Anticipation, while the last year has been intense, the next one proves to be even greater. Even in the next month alone I will confront some of my biggest challenges to date. A game I'm only in my infancy, taking on the best the country has to offer...a game where I consider myself a veteran, taking on the might of the world, albeit on an amateur level. Then in the remainder, a new challenge in a foreign place, all too close to home...

But let me tell you this, from the magic GB nationals, I will throw my best at it, the willpower will be more than any in that room will be able to conjoure, Sheffield will understand true mental might...from the amateur world series, to the people that have backed and staked me in it, you have my passion and soul on the line, nobody will walk into that building with more force than me, with more determination than me, with more untapped talent than me...with more than me. You have eveything from me of that I promise instantly....and to my future at Trent, you have my heart, my academic mind, my unwavering commitment, and most of all my passion...I spent my last two years of being trying to be in your doors, considered amongst your ranks, I will not let this opportunity go to squander, I did before, but never again...

Conflicting emotions, only overridden by the desire to win, to fight, to challenge the world and come out on top no matter the route or discipline required...all this from an overweight depressed defeated man only last august

...wow, amazing what a year can do isn't it...