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Sunday 31 August 2014

The Winds Of Change

This blog is going to come straight from the heart. It's going to come from a man, not a boy, who has sat down and taken stock of a life that should have been lived differently. Of a person who should have behaved differently. There will be some people who likely don't understand this, some who most likely not want to read it. I am not going to send this to anyone directly, it will be on Facebook for people to read if they choose to. But it's somethings that need to be said. And should have been said long before i turned 22.


I owe you all an honest apology. I have spent the majority of my life living a privileged existence, ive been blessed with parents that loved me and gave me the world, i've been privileged with friends who have stood by me through thick and thin. And most recently I've had a woman in my life I considered my soul-mate, that I promised the world to.

And i threw it all away.

For whatever reason I cannot truly understand, it seems as if ive lived a life where I was always right, nobody could tell me differently, that the things i did were beyond anyone else's knowledge, there always had to be a reason for the things i did, there always had to be barriers. I spent almost all of my life making excuses for failings where I should have just been looking in the mirror to find where it had all gone wrong. Where it could have been fixed.

To my parents, i am truly sorry...i never treated you with the love you deserved, i took what you gave me for granted and then threw in your face sage old advice that could have prevented so much hurt and pain over the years, especially over the last few months. I should have got a job sooner. I should have made myself independant, got myself a drivers license, kept my body in shape. All these things should have been done long ago, and i truly feel hurt that you were put through such heartache.

To my friends, i again am sorry for the way ive come across to people, there will have been times where ive been stubborn in a cause i probably shouldn't have even been fighting. I have lost friends over the years that simply could not stand my attitude, never once did i learn from that, it was always their fault. They couldn't understand me. When in fact all i should have done is tone down my aggression, tone down my stubbornness. Just been there for people like ive shown i can be.

To Coral. You are the one i owe the deepest apology of all. I've chosen to write this section out for you to decide if you want to read it. I will not force it on you, I will not force others on you. This is me opening my heart out. For what little it is now worth.

You gave me love and affection in ways most people would have killed for. You showed compassion and care that brought out emotions in me i never thought i had. You showed me a world where i could express myself in ways other than anger, other than frustration. And yet through all that i never once treated you with the love and care you deserved. You gave me far more chances than i deserved. And it pains me to know it took losing someone as precious as you, to make me realise how far my life had gone. I will always be sorry for everything ive done to you, all of the pain i've caused. all of the heartache you never deserved. You were my soulmate, and i drove you away, you were in love with me, yet day by day i chipped it away until you were glad to be rid of me in a way. That pains me. And will for many years to come.



To you all. I promise this will be the end of it all. It should have been a long time ago and i understand that i have made promises in the past and never kept to them. But i am now going through the motions, and this following week i will act upon them all. I plan to get myself a job before the week is out, at the end of the day my excuse of "wanting to wait and see" does not apply, people can manage, as Coral has showed, with a job as well as sorting out other things. So i have no excuse. I am already working little bits here and there but i need stability.
I will go to the gym and get myself into the shape i used to be six years ago. Back then i was confident in my body, that is something that extends out into the real world as well as a personal feeling. And i want to feel that again.
I plan to learn to drive, five years ago i was offered the chance and it would have given me a sense of independence nothing else can, it would have also required me to understand money more, to maintain the car i would call my own.
I plan to get on a masters and improve the mess of a degree i created, the problems were my own, they were something i should have fixed. But was too stubborn to admit things had gone wrong. It may be late, but it will be a step in the direction i should always have been heading.

All of these things i do without recourse, they are not things i do for anyone else, but they will benefit everyone around me. And that gives me a sense of motivation not only to get my own life in order. But also to improve the relationships of those around me...

For everyone else, you can stop reading now.





Coral. I am sorry, i could think of no other way to write this. You wanted space so i am giving it to you, one day i may show you this, when i feel it is the right time, but if you decide to read on then i hope you do not feel ill of it. I'm not an emotional wreck as i write this, im focused on trying to present a side ive never been able to get across right. But again, i might not be right in what im saying, and i'm willing to admit that. What happened with you and me was, at the beginning at least, the best 22 months of my life. I found in you a person that i loved unreservedly, i found in you a person that even right now gives me goosebumps just to be able to talk to you, when i was talking to friends and i was able to say you were my girlfriend. The smile on my face was always there to see. You gave me the world, and yet i threw it all away. I know you may read this and decide never to speak to me again as i'm pushing you too much. And if that is the case i will regret it but accept it. You may decide to extend the olive branch of friendship, to which i will gratefully accept. But i do have one thing i have to say, and you know what it's going to be.


I do want, at some point in the future, the chance at getting back together with you. But what i want may not be what happens. I know you have given me a stupid amount of chances and by all rights i do not deserve another one. Nor will i ask for one anymore. That decision is yours to make. I want to show you the mature man that you deserve to have in your life, i should have made these changes sooner. And i regret having never listened to you in the first place. Now if we become friends again and it never develops into anything, then i can accept that, it will hurt at first like all breakups do. But i will accept it and wish you nothing but good fortune for the future. And i'm not saying the next bit will happen at all, but if you notice that i make good on these changes i am promising, that i can turn into the person that you fell in love with all those months ago. That i can be there as you fall into my arms like you used to. To comfort you in your time of need, rather than having to look after a 22 year old that by all rights should look after himself. If you notice that i have made good on everything i have promised. That you consider it. I am not going to ever say defiantly do it. And i know right now your mind is pretty much made up. But feelings change, you fell out of love with me, there's nothing saying you wont fall back into love with me.

Just please, keep talking, let us build a friendship based on mutual respect. Let me, every so often, take you out, be it just for a coffee, to the cinema, even to the harry potter world i promised you so long ago. Which by the way i was looking at tickets today but thought it might be a bad time. Just please don't close your mind off to the possibility, even if it is months down the line. Potentially even years. Don't rule out one young man's mistakes and lack of listening now to deny the future potential. I love you. I still do. And it will be a hard thing to let you go at first. But i know it is the right thing to do. I do want us to build up a new relationship in the future, but it will be entirely at your pace, when you feel ready. If that happens to be never, and you still think never even a year down the line. Then fair enough. But please, just give me one chance to be friends with you again. From there, you may warm to me down the line. Not saying for certain. But please don't rule it out completely. That is literally all i ask. I know i don't deserve it. But i love you too much not to ask. I know merely promising these things is not enough. But hopefully you can appreciate how sincere i am. I understand this is late. Very late, but i pray not too late.

If you do read this. Let me know what you think, i know you'll likely say its never going to happen and i need to move on. But the future could hold anything. At the very least, let me take you for a coffee as friends, away from all the emotional clutter of the past few months, and just see how we get on. You never know, i might still make you laugh :) At the absolute least, i want to just keep talking to you, just to see how your day is, how you are doing, and how you are getting on :)

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