Thirteen Down, Three To Go

Well, tomorrow is the start of the last leg of my journey to discover my future...people say that university is the best years of your life, that it decides so much...that its the single most important time of your life with all the pitfalls to take you down along the way...an entire life's emotions condensed into three years...i say bring it

Don't get me wrong, the course itself will be more taxing than anything before, im well aware that of the millions that enter uni, quite a fair number dont make it through the course without some complications...but that wont be me, i write this more from hope than pure determination, anyone who knows me understands that promises like this i cant keep, purely because of what i'm like

Three years, the first meaning little, only to advance to the main course, two years of nothing but sheer work to eventually end up with the future that pays well...along the way are countless distractions, temptations designed to give you the option of using uni as a launching post or an extended holiday, to the victors goes a fancy career and possibly riches in the bank, to the fallers goes a valuable lesson, thousands of debt and lingering questions (also, probably more fun along the way). mixing pleasure with work is key, essensial to anyone wanting to go far in life

For me personally im apprehensive but ready, i know the path in front of me...not going to be easy no but should be a good barrel of laughs along the way...the fun of freshers and the weekly night outs will always be there, but i understand the need to mix that with getting off my arse and doing some work for a change...something that until now ive become an expert at avoiding. The students are what make this key though...nice, and its an experience of a lifetime and will benefit in the long run...terrible, and its a long three years of torment to gain the degree that will see me past them

Thirteen years of basically lucking out to get this far, now three left to decide if i, you, we, all of us...can live in a world where adpating, perservering and hard work are what it takes to go far in life...won't be easy, but by god its going to be a good ride

All Journeys Start Close To Home

I write this being forced on a new path, with more determination than ever before to reach my dreams, not only to prove to myself...not only to prove people wrong...but also to stick it in the face of those that get in my way and try to halt the dreams laid before me

People who know me realise how big of a passion poker is...I spent most of my life playing the game, and some years from what I described as "natural progression" into live tournaments...and for eleven months and three weeks it was going smoothly, until people within the heart of the industry trying to stop me

I furthered my tuition by becoming a dealer in-between college and university...it was an interesting experience but has proved to be my biggest hurdle to date...I ended up calling in sick on my last week, upsetting for me because I've never been off work before, and clearly frustrating for my ex bosses as they decided to ban me from the club for six entire months...that's half the total career I've had to date gone, off the back of one person

Now make no mistake I love the place...it was and still is the sole reason i fell in total love with this game...it helped me progress to having an A game capable of rivaling most veterans...but in less than an hour they destroyed my dreams...slashing the amount of play I get to almost nothing, it hurt...it tore me to pieces, the very place that gave me a glimpse of my future stole it away over nothing more than a technicality

I know full well this move was made by one person alone...no higher management got involved in the idea...his reaction was one of joy, joy at another persons despair...it's a face I've spent my life watching through other eyes, in other times...it's a face I've spent my life trying to erase

Now my future has been changed to a different route...the route that brought me to the beautiful game to start with...online. I know in my heart of hearts this will be a new challenge in the same game...but it is going to be met with determination unlike any I have mustered before...nobody will knock down my dreams...nobody

This is a changing time, with many possibilities...but my eyes only see my end dream, even if I'm taking a detour, online into live rather than straight live. It's true that all journeys start close to home...no route is identical...but the final goal remains all the same

Something Tells Me Its Ready...

Finally, a blog where i can smile the entire way i type it...the entire time i think, i dream, i wish for it. One of those moments i mention very rarely, but mention with high regard.

Ive just had an image implanted in my head...but not one of despair (and in the past few months, theres been a fair bit of that)...not one of relief (again, theres been a fair bit of that)...this is an image of success. An image that my plans within the next few weeks, will have long lasting implications and for once they will be for the better

The image was of me in a tournament...lifting a trophy with the family by my side...now to some that may seem like a pipedream, to some it just sounds like something people get where they simple wish it to come true...but here is where i sound random, yet it proves a point......usually when i have such visions i come back to earth very quickly by something telling me it wouldnt happen...recently i had it where the voice in my head said "it wont happen yet"...that filled me with hope...but today, sitting on here merely downloading some music...i had this same vision, yet the thoughts stayed, nothing said it wouldnt happen, if anything something made me think it was due...it was waiting...it was ready...

Im struggling to think which though, the Sky Poker Finals are this weekend...could be that, the DTD Deepstack now has a second home per month...could be that, the WSOPE is within the next few weeks...could be that, even the fabled EPT London is in a few weeks...could be that.


Im not sure whats going on, if this is merely false hope or something more, but what makes me believe, what makes me carry on is that my mind doesnt say no this time...it could be setting me up to knock me down, but i doubt that...

Ive said that word only the once...only once with true conviction...could it be again...something tells me its ready

A Feltside Perspective

Well, thats the end of that run, not the most glamourous of ends it must be said but its done nonetheless...became a poker dealer for a month and spent my "notice week" totally brought down by a bug, meaning i could deal to a world championship but not to my local's deepstack (although recent news of a second deepstack brings me great joy, i may cover this in another blog at a later date)

Overall though becoming a dealer only had one thing in mind. To gain extra experience i would have otherwise had to pay hundereds of pounds for. Instead i was paid to deal to the best and im fairly confident ive picked up some useful things about the way they went about things (well, either that or this month was a complete waste and im still a crap player)

One thing i can take from this is a new found respect for anyone that has to deal for poker players, while i used to be nothing but a player i thought the job was easy, and in some respects it is (the dealing itself is fairly easy to do so long as you maintain concentration) but the thing i never understood before, or never paid much attention to before, is the level of crap that is thrown in the dealers faces...i was lucky in that Dusk Till Dawn treats its dealers with a level of respect, because from what ive seen anywhere else you are seen merely as a number...a necessity that the casino or card room could easily do without if they had to...The players on some of the game treat the dealers like second class people, that was what sickened me the most, some of these people with the cards in their hand have been playing the game they love for years...and these players, for whatever reason...seem to think they can treat them as if they are lucky just to deal to them...

Ive got news for you, just because youve got ooodles of money in the bank and just because your playing for pots that eclipse most of the dealers monthly, sometimes yearly wages. It does NOT give you the right to be throwing some serious abuse at them just because they "didnt deal you the winning hand" or theyve "got it in for you"...trust me, in the one month i did this, i realised that if i had the power to rig the deck, so many people would bust in seconds it would make a mockery of multi day tournaments...

You quickly realise dealing (far faster than you do playing to be honest) which players are good and which are bad...and which are terrible. Because you have to concentrate on all 9 people with systematic precision (the way some people merely check needs to be inspected) you quickly gain tells on people...now while i cant reel off those tells, im fairly certian that what it does is implant a memory...one of those "hold on a second i remember that" moments...and im fairly sure that when i play the deepstacks for the first time again, i will be better prepared than before.

One last thing ive understood is that they get paid far less than they are worth, dealers have SO much on their mind with every hand, that they should easily be getting paychecks over and above what they do. another thing ive realised (and that i can actively change) is the tips the dealers recieve...dealing for the APAT for three days gave me my biggest tip haul to date, and it didnt even touch £50, now im sorry but for nearly 30 hours work, thats a pathetic amount to be getting in tips, sure youve got your wages but its only minimum wage usually, to use myself as an example...thats £4.81 per hour...what the hell?

So overall ive got my first taste of the feltside perspective, its gained immense respect for dealers, a distaste for a fair few high rolling poker players, and a disgust at the wages...not all its cracked up to be, but im aware that the experience cannot be bought on the same scale...and if you become good enough (dealers at the WSOPE get £12 per hour plus tips) then it really can become decent money...perserverance seems key to that though, and i dont know about you but im happy to play all the types of poker, i cant be arsed to learn how to deal them all though xD

Second Chance No...Since When Did You Get A Third?!

This is me writing quite suprised to be honest. My fears were justified as i was two grades down on what i needed (it worked out that i was only 20 points down off getting what i needed, which worked out to be 10 marks...ten marks out of a combined total of about 800 hurts but still). As a result both my main choice and my insurance choice went for a fail, but silver linings do exist...sometimes in places most wouldnt expect.

True business is the route id love to go down, but that doesnt seem to work (Derby gave me the offer of business but it was on a waiting list, and i seriously dont want to risk that going wrong) but then they threw me a lifeline...a third chance if you will, Marketing...its a field i know almost nothing about, but it apparently has the option of adding additional modules in the second and third years, those could very easily be business related and as such put me back on track.

Now if im honest i didnt even consider marketing, journalism politics and other parts of business was what i got stuck in my mind, lord knows even being a DJ was in my mind before this...but then it occured to me that marketing has its uses in business far more than most other ideas i had.

I keep being told that i shouldnt jump into choices, and yes i aggree this is a big choice to make as it takes up the next three years of my life and leaves me tens of thousands in debt...but i know myself that to hesitate in clearing is a bad idea, as the choices keep vanishing every waking moment...considering that the entire thing only lasts three weeks and they have to get through probably a million students, i consider myself fairly lucky that i got an offer on my first call, to a university near enough to dodge accomodation costs, yet far enough away to avoid the parents for most of the days...in a course that isnt exactly close but isnt a million miles away from where i wanted to be anyway...its rushing yes and i know thats a bad idea, but its a sure fire chance and i dont want to hesistate and realise its gone...that would be devestating because i know myself that id just give up. Something i really dont want to do.

So in the end today's been quite good, its not perfect in anyway, lord knows if it was id still be in trent and id still be doing international business...but its still uni, its only 10 miles away from my target, and the course still branches under the same title...surely life cant be that bad because of this?

There Aint No Second Chances

I write this blog less to tell people my problems, but more to get things off my chest, im worried...on a scale i can scarcely match before.

As most people are aware, A level results are tomorrow (as i write this, about 10 hours away)...and i write this with a chill down my body ive only experienced a handful of times before...and never on this magnitude either.

Ive failed, something is telling me this as clear as day and im conceeding that it is most likely right...i wish id tried harder, i wish id paid attention more when it mattered, i wish id been capable of listening to teachers id have much rather throttled, i wish id revised alot more, i wish id understood alot more, i wish i hadnt froze up during the exams and that my brain didnt freeze up...i wish i was better for my parents.

They gave so much for me to have the chances ive had today, almost all my old friends fell by the wayside, fell into dead end jobs destined to never make it further than they are now...but they stuck by me, gave me the opportunity to change for the better...i feel ive squandered it...and tomorrow will confirm it in a way as harsh as it could ever be.

Im scared, i detest ever being able to say that but i am actually worried about whats to come, and what will lead on from it...i just feel that while ive been blessed with good fortune for most of my life, i dont feel that any amount of luck is going to save this mess...divine guidance is about the closest thing to a saviour possible and i cant see that happening either.

As it stands ive currently got friends trying to look on the bright side, its cute but ultimately useless...its my greatest asset and failing that im too level headed to think positive or negative, i merely see all the possibilities laid in front of me...and then analyse those to work out which i think is likely...the scary and depressing thing is that my brain never even tried to analyse the good options...it went straight to the bad and stuck with it...negative thinking to some yes but it just looks like the only option for me at the moment.

Some people are saying i shouldnt trust myself, and part of me wants to believe them, but most of me realises that my predictions are rarely if ever wrong, and the frightening thing is that they are usually understated...while it is true they were wrong before (on my previous results no less) i dont expect that to be the same this time round...partly because these matter more, but partly because i can imagine i used all my wishes just to get through that round...this one wont be so easy.

Yes true clearing does exist...but when your dad puts the news on explaining that 200,000 people will not make it to uni regardless how much they try...and may not even find employment after a year...thats words that just chilled me to the bone...me, a person who has spent his life trying to be the far reacher...about to be named as one of the countless thousands...destined to blend into society and become nothing more than a place filler...i swore to my dying day that i would avoid that...but this one is different...the grading (and the place filling) is out of my hands...

Im rambling on but its hard to express the feelings im having at the moment...or lack of them so to speak...thirteen years...could all be about to come to nothing in the space of three short letters...true thirteen has always held significance with me and usually for good reasons...but not today, i dont feel in my heart of hearts this one can be saved...

Where i go from here is the big question...i need options, at the moment my mind is too clouded and battered to come up with any solutions...and to be fair i struggled to find any with a clear head either...its concerning me more that all the effort the family i love put in has gone to waste...i did this all for them, and ive let them down...ive let them all down

Idol's Who Forget

now it must be said i adore some poker pro's...some of them make my day better just to hear their success stories, some id love to have the chance to meet, that chance to compete, but then sometimes you find the odd one or two that really irritate, and for a reason that some hold close, and one that ive made a point to remind myself of all my life

Never Forget Your Roots

people who follow this know im a very big fan of twitter (PeterThorpe1991 cough) and that its very good to keep people up to date with what their idols are doing...its also known that poker players have seriously taken to twitter in recent months, so its become ever more useful, they update reguarly, in some cases from the thick of the action (GoingBrokeJRB - he was posting videos from the world series tables, knowing it was getting him a penalty) (EricMizrachi, TheGrinder44 - these guys kept us all updated during the late days of the main event, what a ride that was)...but sometimes you end up hearing stuff that, when taken to one side just hurts...i wont say who cause (if i ever make it) i dont want to be causing enemys.

"Top prize is £57,000...which is nice"

now i happen to know the big difference in this person between being elated and being merely satisfied, and this was being nothing more than ok with that amount...

what the hell...when i read that it wound me up almost straight away, im sorry but nobody should ever be able to say that fifty seven grand merely ok...that type of money most of us mere mortals take five years to make, some of us will never see such an amount combined at one time in our lives...yet he stands a very good chance of making it, and is merely happy...

do some of these players not remember the days when making a profit in the £0.50/£1 cash games was a nice night? do these players not remember their first win and the elation it brought? do they not remember all the people theyve played alongside during those weaker, leaner days? to consider such an amount of money anything other than massive sort of proves that some pros clearly dont remember the route which got them there.

dont get me wrong, some of the current pro's are incrediably down to earth (Annette_15 for example, when betfair sorted her 21st birthday, she was over the moon, i know of some pro's that get pissed off because they havent been invited to any parties in over a week, GET OVER YOURSELF!)


Now im sorry...i have never in my life forgotten the roots and the route that i took to get where i am today, yes ive been to private school (not exactly through choice) but i still know people from my junior school days, and ive been out on the piss with them alot and will always look after them...yes im attempting to get to uni, but i know people who are already working and i will never see them wrong in my life, let alone forget them...yes ive won two events, final tabled three others and top 50'ed almost all the events ive ever played...but i still appreciate a deep run, i still love the feeling of making it to one, even though its now becoming less uncommon...if i ever became a poker pro, a millionare, a top class businessman...id still remember those same people, those same thrills, those same joys that got me there...i would never consider myself to be above anyone else...id never consider things to be mine for granted, and id happily let my friends punch me if i EVER went anywhere close to doing that...because lets face it, no matter how big you are, youve got to work alongside people, youve got to appreciate what you get, for it may not last...nobody's at the top forever...ask tiger woods

Dont step on any fingers on your way up to the top, youve got to come down eventually

1. for anyone paying enough attention to twitter and the date of this post they may be able to work out who that quote was from
2. the parties pro...should be obvious to anyone who follows big name pro's on twitter

When Is It Enough?

Ive been sitting down and thinking about this for some time, but now it seems i have to give it some serious thought...turning to poker a little bit more than before.

Three back to back final tables, something i never thought id acomplish in my lifetime...one of those was a win to go with it, and im struggling to work out if its just dumb luck or if i should take this as a sign. ive heard many people mention they needs years worth of results to understand how good they are as a player...and to a point i agree, if i decided to turn pro off the back of three events i could consider myself a complete moron. but 28 events and 15 top 50's in eleven months...surely thats got to speak for itself...every time ive cashed, ive made the final table...just under half the FT's are wins...and this is all before im 19...im not sure to count this as just running good, or playing good

just a random blog yes, but its confusing me, is this luck or the start of something more?

Bricks Thrown, Foundations Laid

Now this is going to sound very daft to the probably two people that follow my blogs, if its even that many, but stick with it, youll see the passion behind the one writing it in one simple page

Im sick to death of people constantly trying to knock me down in any which way possible, you may think im a dick, you may think im shit at the things i do, but ive got some news for you

I dont care, anyone who knows me understands im a bull that cant be tamed, ive been knocked down all my life and only become stronger as a result, call me crap all you like, insult me all you like...my ambitions will NOT be tamed, one day ill be at the top looking down on you all, and the words i told you so will be oh so sweet...i wont be stopped, not by any of you, not by anyone else

Ive spent my life chasing dreams most people wouldnt even attempt, and ive stood by my choices, many times ive had people throwing opinions at me, usually saying im stupid for attempting the things ive done in the past, and the things i plan to do in the future...leading me down dark roads according to some, making me more of a dick to others...but since when, in all my near 19 years have i ever listened?

Some people do have words of encouragement, few and far between but cherished all the same, its rare that someone stands by me and the things i do, the words i say. so when they do it means alot (im only on about a few people, and they should know who they are by now)...ive been able to spend my life building on adversity, so the few times i get support it builds me more so.

Im rambling, i know i am, but im just getting fed up of hearing people thinking that these barrage of insults will ever get me down, they'll get me angry (as this note has pretty much proved) but all it does is strengthen my resolve. Some of you dont like the way i act...thats me, ive never cared for what i say, its up to you to either put up or shut up. Some of you dont like the things i do...since when have your negative opinions ever stopped me? usually it makes me more determined to do it. Some of you dislike the goals i have for my future...yes they are very unorthadox, but ive spent my life making it obvious i thrive on things that arent conventional, and lord knows ive become better at them, nothing any of you say can or will change that.

Im a poker player in the making, soon to attempt the highest ranks in the coming years
I wear my emotions on my sleeve, thrown out there whenever it becomes needed or passion takes over
Im brutally honest, the things i say cause controversy but are usually bang on with their meaning
My attitude changes all the time. elation, despair and anger can be less than seconds apart
Im beyond caring, ive thrown myself in the way over the years to protect my friends, and i always will
My passion for the things i do has never and will never be matched by anyone

Dont like that? deal with it, thats who i am, thats who i was born to be, and thats who i always will be, nothing any of you can say can change it, so you can either go against me, have your cheap laughs but ultimately waste your breath, or stand by the things i say and the things i do, it might be bumpy, but its gonna be one hell of a ride, and when the ride's over, ive swore id see my close friends right, and i always will

Successful men have built foundations from the bricks others have thrown at him

Oh By The Way...Your Coming Second

First blog in a while, and what a way in which to write it, after my abysmal choices in the WSOP i manage to find people worth millions more than me and far smarter than me making equally abysmal choices...Formula one took a strange turn today...it became more open.

The reason for that is simple, its well known that in formula one teams give orders to their drivers, even if the rules ban such a thing from happening its widely understood that it happens anyway.

But the fact stands that their are rules in place that prohibit team orders, so the point is simple, if your going to break this rule, at the very least...dont make it so pathetically obvious, Ferrari today managed to not only do it, not only make it obvious, but also managed to look very foolish in their backtracking after the race

End result? Massa gets completely done over by the very team he's stood by for so many years, Alonso is now Ferrari's golden boy after only half a season, Ferrari takes a $100,000 fine despite the race result still standing, the media are in uproar, the crowd werent exactly happy, and the general concensus is that the viewer feels cheated out of a decent fight. i mean, whats to fight for when the race was decided by the simple words "Alonso is faster. than. you", the most useless attempt at coding the simple words "Get out of the f*cking way!", the appology just made it even more obvious.

Now my personal view matches the sentiments of almost everyone else. I dont have a problem with team orders, as was mentioned when the race was live, team efforts and team choices can trace their routes back to the start of the sport, so to deny it would be to deny a part of the heritage, but if your going to break a rule most teams do anyway (regardless of what they say), at the very least make some codewords up the public cant understand, or say the drivers have a problem! what happened today is not uncommon, its just concealed normally

The Good People Are Just The Bad People Who Don't Get Caught

Now the matter has been forwarded to the world council, who, with infinite power, will provide a suspended three race ban, quickly followed by amended team order rules for 2011, and in the next race alonso will be outqualifyed by massa yet still finish in front

Dont ask me why...i just have a feeling about that one :)