On Thee Our Hopes We Fix

Six words...that's all it is, it's old English...sounds boring, to some probably half pointless...it could be expressed more easily, it could probably sound better as well...but those words belong to something rather special to me...and tonight, while i understood it anyway, ive come to realise how much its meaning matters to me, and how much bearing it has on everything i do going forward...

Let me take you on a small journey of a person i once knew...he was a simple kid, with simple ambitions...did well at school, didn't exactly have many friends but made do with what he could...he was young and talented yet boisterous and sometimes controversial.

But one thing i know was certain, he was ambitious if nothing else...he took beatings in almost every sense possible, but always got back up regardless, his aims were high, yet clear, crazy, yet realistic...but as the years went on his passion started to fade, various factors in various sports and past-times just got in the way, from swimming to golf, racing to badminton with some archery in-between, he went through every avenue and sport type he could only to be stopped dead...not that he didn't try, he wasn't able to go any further. So dwindled into nothing more than a place-filler in society... albeit a very loud and excitable one.

But one day, not that very long ago, i saw him take center stage for the first time in his life...and it was in something where he had complete control, nobody and nothing could interfere except for luck...he seemed on top of the world, and while the result didn't turn out to be perfect, looking back i can see his smile, it looked fake at the time but i realise now it wasn't, he was proud of what he'd achieved, and set out to do so much more...the amount of support he carried that day was unlike anything before...he realized what he was fighting for, and it was for more than just himself...and from what i see now it changed him...he was symbolizing something on that day as well, but only because of honor, not out of commitment...that's changed now.

Anyone guessed his name?

Peter Thorpe

Yeah, tonight i was able to look back properly, at a moment in time full of forward movements, full of triumphs and exciting times...and notice that one night in my life changed me and my perception on everything i do...i sat down and fought as nothing more than a patriot, a fan of the game, for backers, supporters and myself...but now looking back, as the night went on i realized that things, from one minute to the next. Changed.

I went from fighting for myself to caring about everything else instead

I went from wanting to do well for friends and supporters to throwing everything at trying for them

I went from a simple patriot to fighting tooth and nail to get my country's flag at the top...

I went from simply wearing a national symbol to feeling it physically attached to me...

And i love how it changed to that...

I spent years trying, im a born fighter even if it doesn't always look it from the defeatist front i show, usually that's just me wanting space while i contemplate how i plan to bounce back. But everytime i showed promise, something always got in my way...from instructors getting fired, to a lack of instructors commitment to help, to groups disbanding and money just not being there...now with things in my hands theres no limit to what i can achieve save lady luck stepping in...

Ive spent years moulding myself into the person you see today, sometime a year could change me, sometimes even a month...but on that night, one simple experience changed me more than years before could manage. It made me a winner...

Tonight, typing this, alot is still changing. Im at the beginning of something I set out to do two years ago, ive set the ball rolling of something i wanted to do almost fifteen years ago, ive laid the foundations of someone i wanted to be with over a year ago...while in the past certian events have tried to derail me, and some still could...tonight i feel like ive achieved something...

But one thing eludes me...and tonight i will show you what that is, usually i keep my rituals a closely guarded secret, nobody knew the waistcoat was in my bag when i made that final table...and nobody knew until today what id be learning, what, when i won, would have seen my heart pour out

This

Wait for it...one day soon i swear on everything i live by, i will be standing proud, with those words ringing out, tears down my eyes, representing everything and everyone i love so dearly...

You have my word

APAT World Champs: Series Review

Well, that's the end of that. My first ever live series of poker and what a way to kick things off. I say that, but in terms of lasting impressions...they are severely lacking.

A series that promised so much eventually delivered a morsel of joy in a sea of disappointment, and that morsel was thrown at me rather early. To put this in to contrast below is the list of my finishing places in the weekends five events

Stud Championship: 2nd Place
Heads Up Championship: Tied 9th Place
HORSE Championship: 38th Place
Hold'em Championship, Main Event: 169th Place (Day 1b)
Omaha Championship: 112th Place

It started so well as well, i was over a 3-1 chiplead heads up in the stud, he was all in and behind, only two outs to his straight, i damn as well nearly had both hands on that title, but alas he hits not only the river king to survive, but also river two pair's to knock me out hands later...it stung and its a wound i dont think will heal for some time...he was a worthy winner make no mistake about that, but to come so close, to literally be stood up about to shake his hand, and to be slammed back into my seat by a sickening cooler like that, it will live with me for some time...

I also made a personal achievement of mine, my first ever interview (Found Here), i was nothing more than a bag of nerves but i answered honestly and professionally and i hope it to be the first of many...but it turned out to be bitter sweet....while i was a "potential rising star of the series"...it frittered away into nothing more...

It hurts, to come off the back of a 2nd place in my first ever series event, limit event, live stud event...you name it and it was my first of it...hell i was the youngest at that final table i reckon by a clear five years! only then to get one match off cashing in the heads up and nothing else...it leaves a taint on what promised to be such a great series.

All i wanted was exposure, im not going to lie here the money meant literally nothing to me...my only wish was to get returns for my backers (which i still have to thank for giving me the chance to do what i have) and for me to gain a place in the spotlight, no matter how little it lasted...i failed in both, sure five backers were pretty happy with their returns but the rest got let down and for that i am forever in your debt, as for the exposure, well the interview is nice but it doesnt grant me what i truly aimed for...to have had my picture on poker news outlets would have been the ultimate dream...i didnt even come close. I understand the dream is unrealistic, but you'll come to understand i never want anything "conventional".

Now i want to make clear now i enjoyed every moment of the experience, i have fond memories that will take me forward in this game, but looking back i realize that not only was i good, but that for the most part two things have become very apparent...and while ill get cynics for this i feel its the truth

1. if not for bad luck id have at least one win this year, and gone alot deeper in at least the main event if not more
2. its made me realize how fiercely competitive i am, one 2nd place would make anyone else happy...especially if it was their first ever major series, but not me, i wanted more. and i still do

From this series i will move forward, taking the game even more seriously than i do now, knowing that consistent results are the only way forward, along with a little dabble of good luck...there is no limit to what i can achieve.

Editors Note: After writing this ive been reading pokernews and realised that, even by only name, the winners of each side event got a mention...this has greatly upset me, that was my dream and lady luck denied it me...while i totally understand that luck is a factor in poker...this has made me even more determined to rise to the top of the game...as such i have reevaluated my plan for the next few months, while i was going to take a break after the series i will now be focusing on any major event that arises in the coming weeks

A Midnight Dreamer, A Symbol In The Distance

That's all it boils down to really...nothing more simple than that

Tonight, while I wish I was asleep, resting my weary mind and preparing for the biggest week of my short career. I sit here writing my feelings out yet again, and yet again, on an august month, worry takes over...this month doesn't like me it seems!

Many days, I sit here and think, ponder, worry, but occasionally I dream, dream of a better life, dream of a better world for me and those I cherish the most...I dream of realising ambitions, of conquering mountains, of having the world on my shoulders and still coming out on top...tonight though, it's far bigger than that. And for once, everyone else knows it too.

The next five days are unlike anything else for me, to some this will be a week of results, of which I wish you all the best, to some it will just be a normal week...nothing will have changed, you might not even know why it's of relivance...to a select few hundred however, they will be decending on my home territory, competing for the biggest titles an amateur can hope to win.

Now to some it will just be a bit of a laugh, to some a weekend out in a new city...to a select few it will be events to fufill sponsors commitments, some will be laisse faire, some locked and focused...

But let me tell you this, none of you. And I mean none of you, go into this week like me.

I go into this series on my breakout year, my first ever major events will unfold in mere hours, and nobody will come close to the unrestrained passion I am about to unleash...nobody

I go into this off the back of my biggest preparation to date, some play on spontaneous impulse. Some have days to think...but nobody had the dream for a year like me, or the two months of setting myself up. Nobody

I go into this with one of the strongest backing groups around, im here for them, my passion is for them, my commitment for them...some want profits, some want the experience, most want both...and nobody has a group that, when it matters, will stand beside me as that last card is turned and I go from a finger on the trophy to a full grasp. Nobody

This is my series, this is my moment to shine, this is my time to prove to the world yet again that when I sit down to achieve, nothing, nobody. Gets in my way...be under no illusion the fire in my heart tonight, I plan to go all guns blazing this week, and when the dust settles, only I will be standing...

Dusk till Dawn is my local hunting ground, your coming into my territory, my palace...it's the best in Europe for a reason, it's got some of the best players for a reason, and when this week is out, one more name will be considered in it's ranks, I swear by it.

I'll go into these events with passion, determination, talent, stubbornness and skill...but also with a package...a simple one at that. Only a select few know what it is...but let it be known when the time calls for it, it will grace the cardroom, on my shoulders it will prove something, it will show a reason I am there, something that throughout my life I have fought for, I'll look stupid, people will question it. I don't care, it symbolises a big part of my life...and will make a statement unlike anything else.

If this made no sense I appologise, but let me be consice...a few lines showing this 19 year old for everything he is

Passion. Determination. Nationalistic. Untapped Talent. Fierce. Prepared. Tough. Powerful.
A Dreamer.

Confessions Of A Rising Star

This isn't going to be one of the usual blogs you see on here, for once im just going to speak directly, im not going to paraphrase anything, im just going to say what goes through my head, and put it down...given the impending week, i feel its the best way to be.

Im worried, i know im a good poker player, my results have shown that time and time again...i know ive put practice in recently in a time where finding money was hard, if not nearly impossible. But im a believer that no amount of practice will truly be enough in this game. its all about the day itself...and that's what concerns me.

Skill wise im one of the best in that room and i know it myself, but variance gets in the way of everything, six times ive bust in the last few weeks ive got the money in ahead, only for lady luck to stab me in the back...yeah sure ive had some good times along the way, but for the most part the key moments have been riddled with misfortune...hell, on my final table back in April i was hit with a one outer, had that not happened i could easily have won the whole thing...

If this world series is to prove as fruitful as i know it can be the luck has to turn around...im a massive advocate for luck going in cycles...you get as much good as you do bad...i bloody hope so anyway because by that logic im in for a seriously good few days...

Thing is, its not for me alone this time, ive got a backing group of 11 friends putting me into these events, and i don't want to let them down... they've put some serious faith, not to mention alot of money, into me here...and at no point do i actually come back on Monday and have nothing to show for it...alot of them have said that they understand the risks involved but it would still hurt me to be giving nothing back to those that have invested in me...

The only comfort i can take is that with such investments it goes some way to prove that other people consider my abilities good enough...and i take that to heart...at no point when i was selling these shares did i push the idea, at no point did i ask people to invest...and that was planned, i didn't want to force my events into peoples faces and almost pester them to invest, i wanted to showcase what was on offer and leave the choice to other people...and it worked, while ive bought some shares myself yes, of the 50 that were up for grabs, 36 of them went to other people...and there's one key thing people have to realize with the other 14

They aren't just for me. If you look on the share sheet its got my dad's name alongside mine, ive bought these with the intention of doing this half for myself and half for my parents...win a side event, im taking them out, win the main...im taking them abroad. that was my plan from the start, so being the majority stakeholder is on purpose, it made sure i was able to give not only to my friends, but to the very people who put me where i am today...in the past they didn't approve of what i do, and i don't actually think they still do...but they seem to be behind me, and either way, its as much for them as it is for me...

The money helps in that i can pay friends a bunch, i can enter bigger events, i can give back to my family...but from a personal perspective the money means nothing...im not a man of material possessions, even though i adore having nothing but the best. In things like this the accolades are what matter to me the most, people will mention that ive won £10,000...let them, but the people that call me an amateur world champion, that's what i want to hear the most...the money is a byproduct of my personal goal...if the buy-ins for the majors were all free id give every penny away to the people i know and love...and that's a fact

Its been a long time coming, months of planning, hours of practice, days of intense thinking, all boiling down to these last three days...on Wednesday i intend to dissapear from the world...perhaps ill write one last blog on the evening, it might calm my nerves...im not normally worried about anything like this, hell ive played bigger buy-ins and bigger fields in the past...but none of them carried so much on my shoulders.

These are the confessions of a rising star, destined one day to stand at the pinnacle of the very sport he picked up in a bar in Nottingham fifteen years ago...lets all just hope and pray the skill holds true, and the luck stays honest...if that happens, anything is possible

Conflicting Emotions, Overridden By Desire

Complication, Vindication, Justification, Preperation, Anticipation.

Five of the most powerful adjectives a young man can use, five words to describe the past year, five words giving nothing close to a true account of the way things have felt, been, seen.

To go back to august 2010 would basically be going to a whole different person. I was sitting here worried about my A level results...although the feeling of failure was all to real. I had the job of my dreams, only to find it was totally different underneath the image it had presented...I was feeling depressed about just about everything. It seemed I could do no right. I was bigger then, looking in a mirror was a chore, nothing more.

Oh, how a year changes everything

The year itself has shown what this young lad from Nottingham is truly made of, it tested willpower, determination, it tested resolve of the spirit almost daily, all along the way I felt like I grew up so quickly, sometimes too quickly...I rushed through things I've later grown to regret, I've been to slow in things I've later grown to regret. This whole life game isn't ever easy is it?

But in the end, those five words hold no truer meaning than they do now, those same five words would have been brushed aside as mere fantasy all but a year ago. Now they stand at the forefront of my mind, an achievement still being written.

Complication, throughout the year things have got in the way of my ambitions, things came up set to ruin me at times, cause mere nuisances in others...but let me tell you this, each one was met with panic and resolve in equal measure, times of desperation and worry met with a mind working at it's peak, as far as we know, all have been met...only time will tell if that is truly the case.

Vindication, all of the hard work, all of the months of excitement and pain, the days of elation, to the nights of despair, I went through them all, and came out on top...today I signed the release form for derby, today I stepped into the hole I called a university for the last time, today was a true realisation I had achieved all I had set out to do. Never has that happened before, never before had I put so much effort into anything in my life...and while the journey continues, I realise that with my steely resolve, anything is possible.

Justification, for all the tens of thousands spent on my life to date, from all the years of lessons, life and education alike. From the times of comfort and scolding from friends and family alike...today, tonight, right now as I type this, as I speak it out loud in my mind. I have justified not only my determination, but also all of your faith in me.

Preperation, the times ahead will not be easy, life will throw up challenges that require the very best minds to defeat...a year ago I would have curled up in a ball to avoid them, not anymore...with my mindset now it is only a matter of careful planning and consideration that will see even the tallest of mountains fall. I will give everything my upmost dedication, of that you have my word.

Anticipation, while the last year has been intense, the next one proves to be even greater. Even in the next month alone I will confront some of my biggest challenges to date. A game I'm only in my infancy, taking on the best the country has to offer...a game where I consider myself a veteran, taking on the might of the world, albeit on an amateur level. Then in the remainder, a new challenge in a foreign place, all too close to home...

But let me tell you this, from the magic GB nationals, I will throw my best at it, the willpower will be more than any in that room will be able to conjoure, Sheffield will understand true mental might...from the amateur world series, to the people that have backed and staked me in it, you have my passion and soul on the line, nobody will walk into that building with more force than me, with more determination than me, with more untapped talent than me...with more than me. You have eveything from me of that I promise instantly....and to my future at Trent, you have my heart, my academic mind, my unwavering commitment, and most of all my passion...I spent my last two years of being trying to be in your doors, considered amongst your ranks, I will not let this opportunity go to squander, I did before, but never again...

Conflicting emotions, only overridden by the desire to win, to fight, to challenge the world and come out on top no matter the route or discipline required...all this from an overweight depressed defeated man only last august

...wow, amazing what a year can do isn't it...

Give Your Fantasy A Chance

Take the future, in your hand. Living in a future land. Give your fantasy a chance...

Yet again, I'm writing to express what this body and soul cannot, I've never been good with words in person, but give me a blog like this, give me an avenue like this, and I can just let loose, let the passion flow, the determination show for the world to see. It even sounds daft as I'm writing this, but I know these words are accurate no matter how insane they may be.

First off I've got to thank a fair few people in my life, in recent weeks I've felt blessed. My version of the world series is rapidly approaching, I dealt for it last year, ill play for it this year. It's been a dream since the day I stepped foot into it. The scale was unprecedented for someone of my stature, it was immense beyond all comprehension. I was dealing to Brits, Americans, Australians, Europeans, Africans, Asians. Almost every nation you can imagine was under the roof for that glorious weekend, and even as I sat there dealing people's fate, I knew i would be amongst their ranks in no time. Amazing how fast a year goes.

The people to thank are my friends, my family. You had faith in me during times of doubt, when the series was announced I was off the back of a hard few weeks, I debated not playing at one point. But when I sat there, I realised the chance of a lifetime was within my grasp and I was going to turn it away. I've done that before, I've done that recently in things not even related to poker. And realised something...

Life gives opportunities for a reason, it shows routes to success for a reason. Never turn it down, you only live to regret it in the end.

Id done that recently, I'd been bought to tears through missed opportunities, and at that moment I realised there was no holding back, I was playing this series if my last breaths came as a result of it...no more missed chances, I'd been given them for a reason and now was the time to grasp them, lord knows I'd had nearly 20 years missing them, I'd learnt not to do that again...

But something cropped up, the buyins...I could easily afford all of them with money to spare, but I've always wanted a chance to let my friends and family explore my world, to understand the trials and tribulations that go with an amatuer career with millions of dollars at the top, anguish at the bottom. But at no point did I ever in my dreams expect to see the reaction I did. People were supporting me en-masse, fifty shares were up for grabs and 44 of them have gone as I write this, all vanished and supported in less than a week. It was immense. It made me smile.

To realise people back me on such a scale is unimaginable, and I owe them alot for it, it made me realise I was as good now as I was before, it lit a determination I haven't ever experienced, I have never been brought down completely by anything. Even if I've come close. I go into this series with a fire in my heart unlike anything before, I'm not just in this for myself anymore, this is for me, my friends, my family, this is for everyone close that over the years have shown me support during the dark times, been there in the good times. This is all for you.

And if I'm honest, that's all I've ever wanted.

My fantasy has always to become a world champion. but everytime I've pictured it, it's never been alone, I've always turned to a boisterous, screaming support group, I've turned to my friends to celebrate with them. Now, finally, I get the chance.

I will do you all proud. You have my word.

Yeah, That Needs Sorting, I Need Sorting

Pondering an Ascension, a Gambit of sorts, Cast Through Time on Restless Dreams, a Volt Charge to one day feel Liberated, Fuel For The Cause? im not sure...but its a Destructive Force that's for sure.

Amazing how looking at a simple hobby can influence the mind on days it needs to be fired up from a downswing...

Not having the parents here is actually a blessing in disguise, something i could have done with years ago, being able to sit there, and do nothing more than think, wonder, work out the problems and the pleasures of life...at least now i know I've worked somethings out

Last night i had the party i had spent years hoping for...it was meant to be a celebration of joys yet to be touched, a victory night of sorts, a time to sit down and go "you've earned this"...well that's what should have happened. For some reason i ended up sickeningly depressed, and its took until now for me to sit down and work out why such a night turned into disaster within moments.

Problem is, i still cant work out why.

I've sat down, looked back on the night, and at no point does it explain why i went from the hyper, happy giddy person id become over the last few weeks, into the person id spent so much time and effort getting away from. It was all to evident to see as well, people were actually talking as friends, instead of merely putting up with me like they used to, like they probably do now. I felt as if for once, id been acting like a normal person, enjoying life for the points it made me smile for, ignoring the downsides of life (it must be said recently nothing has gone wrong like it used to).

Except last night, for whatever reason, turned me into the gibbering "hate everything because nothing works" idiot i used to be...and im not happy about it, i had friends surrounding me, places to ourselves, drinks aplenty. and none of it looks like it was enough

Peter. Grow the fuck up.

Working things out today has made me realize myself that i need to keep doing what i was, and get a grip on a life that until recently was going nowhere slowly. im sorry to everyone for the way i acted last night, even if it was partly my night, you came out to enjoy it, to celebrate. and i threw it back at you. and for that im sorry. Today's made me realize it cant happen again, things were getting too good for it to happen again. i remember days when people were apprehensive of me being around, and i do NOT want to go back to them days again...

i may not have the money for quite a while, but i promise to you all, i swear by it. that the next event we get will make saturday look like it was nothing more than a quiet social, and ill make sure this time that your thanked for what was a fantastic night out. it was, i know that in myself. i just wish for once i could think that on the night itself instead of needing a cold reality check...

Dreams To Reality...The Final Stretch

Regrets, I've had a few...but then again, too few to mention...
I did, what I had to do...and saw it through...without exemption
I planned...each chartered course...each careful step...on the byway

One day soon, very soon, I hope to finish those lines, I hope to live a wish I've had for nearly three years now, to capture a goal set all those winters ago, in the depths of complacency, the worst nights I've ever experienced, I hope to do myself, my friends, and most of all my parents proud...while the journey is complete, the finish line remains yet unclear...soon, two weeks from now, I will know my future

To capture my feelings and accurately translate them is nearly impossible...to put into context what this next two weeks will mean and do to me is beyond my capabilities...just be sure of this, the passion contained is something I have never in my life experienced.

Nottingham Trent...you have been my dream for so many years, each night I went to sleep praying I'd walk through your doors as one of your own, I'd consider myself a success, but I let everyone down, you turned me away, I didn't deserve it...it hurt, it broke me, but I carried on...striving to one day be worth your attention once more. The day you rang me back after so many attempts, letting me know the door was not shut on my dreams, you relit the fire i...we...have never seen burn so bright. Each night I fought to get back, to do what I had to do...it's been a tough road, but every step I've conquered, I can see the door now, it's not open yet, but the keys are waiting...it's just my turn to grasp them. To make the most of a situation seldom granted once...let alone twice. I won't turn this chance down, I've given my all, I've thrown my heart at soul to the task...I just hope it's been enough.

A month from now, I have an image, sitting in tantra, friends surrounding me...drinks aplenty, smiles amongst smiles...and I will perform an act I've wished since I was oh so small, people might not like it, but it's something I've held close to my heart since many moons ago...a song, one simple song, to unleash the passion and soul that has been fighting for all this time...I will be crying when I finish, but it will be tears of triumph, tears of joy...only once have I shed tears of that kind before, and I hope it's understood why....this university is the door to a far better future than most others could provide...I want it, I've searched for it, fought for it, and dammit it's almost mine...and for once, not gifted...deserved

Anyone reading this must understand the passion and love behind it, otherwise you need to get to know me better...my life is on a self imposed edge, I just pray it's been enough, for that moment I can sit amongst friends and family and say those five sacred words...

I did it....well, you'll have to wait and see the rest

The Calm Before The Beginning

Sitting here it's hard to comprehend my career so far really, 41 events, six final tables, two wins...from that it looks rather sad but to put it into context some have thousands and no finals to their name, so I count my blessings for this...the progression has been fast yet tearful all the same, flashes of brilliance, and ignorance in the space of an hour. The world at my feet one day, on my shoulders the next...it's been good for nearly two years and shows no sign of stopping...

Good too, it's going to take all that and more to prepare for this...

Monday spells the start of my actual career, while small events are the building blocks, only by national events will a mans achievements be recognised, years from now, decades even, they won't ask how my £25 freezeout win changed my life, or that read I stuck to to make the super 50 final table...no, never

They'll ask of championships, of major final tables, what tours, what locations amongst this vast world...they'll ask of bracelets, titles and achievements, winnings and profits. Yes, these are the tools with which all us players shall be judged, for that one day someone searches online, sees one of your titles and thinks "I want to play like him"...yes, then you have made it

I sit here today, fully aware of the task laid before me, to write the opening pages on this historic road, to etch my name into the annuls of a history yet to be carved, 2000 people stand in my way, friends and foes alike, to the survivors lay two more days of hard work. Blood sweat and tears will come from this I assure you

To those at the end lie brief fame, names in lights and interviews alike, but it all rests on the champion...for they will never be forgotten, the champion of the biggest event on this patch of land, to the victor goes the spoils, all 25,000 of them...immortality never forgotten, a life forever changed.

To underestimate the size, scale and effect of this tournament would be doing it an injustice, and one I have no intention of making. I am aware of what is before me, aware of what is required...to sum up all my skill, talent, courage and determination would set me apart from the rest...it's time to make this count

I don't feel destined to win, and amazingly can't vividly imagine the win...but I can see myself approaching the final, storms blazing, cameras flashing, people cheering, a table waiting...boy, it feels good to be this prepared

The calm before the beginning, storms aplenty, tears bountiful, passion unrivalled, skills yet untapped...a future yet to be written...
Well I've got the pen ready and the pages are waiting...shall we?

The Dreams Almost Realised

This Sunday will hold some special memories for me, but for so many conflicting reasons...a dream achieved, an ambition realised, a quest almost fulfilled, a heart torn apart, a choice that was mind altering, a return to the good old days...man, it's never simple is it?

This weekend spelled a return I had been waiting for for so long, for six months I was cut from the picture, left to rot in the wilderness by people with no decent reason other than to just be harsh...it feels good to be back on the pedestal I once stood on, only this time in a better position than ever before...

People know me to be heavily trying to get back to my best, I've played 10 events in half as many weeks...each time showing a glimpse of (shockingly) more skill than ever before...for a level, or an hour, or a break at a time I've shown flashes of skill that would put me in good stead on any level...but consistency was the key, something that has been the thorn in my back for nearly 18 months, let alone the last 5 weeks...

But this day was different, I walked in and said that to be better I must focus more, take my time more...boring yet effective, dull yet skilful all the same...every deepstack id played previous had always gone better than the last...I may struggle to top this record, for quite a while

A dream achieved: my mission from the outset was to top 50 my first ever deepstack, I have always been a man of statistics and this was a big thing for me...as the places ticked down I got nervous, but something inside me said to just stay calm, the way I was playing was enough...yet again instinct proved to be the better part of valour...as the number reached 49...I actually fistpumped the air, it got confused looks, but to me, it was all I cared for

An ambition realised: every mans dream is to make a deepstack events final table, some wait months, years...some spend entire careers waiting for that elusive chance at the bigger time, me? Less than 40 events and the monkey is already gone, but it was never easy, 10 handed for over an hour felt like an eternity. The anguish of knowing to bust now would tear me apart, but to last just one more would realise something special to me, while I will have more in the years to come you always remember your first...and I will forever remember this

A quest almost fulfilled, a heart torn apart: the one thing in my book is to win one, regardless of my current skill level the dream is there to seize, and it looked shaky from the start...but as each player got knocked out, the money went up, and my ferocity increased...until that fateful moment, some say I was crazy for what I did, hindsight says I was...but regardless, I stand by it...A9 v 99...if he loses, were down to 6 and my stack is nearly at the chip leader...a thousand pounds is moments away...but alas, what the ace on the flop gives, the last 9 in the deck on the turn takes away...that ripped me apart inside but I didn't show it, I paid him off and carried on...down but never out...alas moments later luck dealt that cruelest of blows, QQ v AK...ace on the flop, what can I do? It wasn't meant to be...7th for £350 is good in anyone's eyes, but knowing that it was so close to being life altering just hurts

A choice that was mind altering: make no mistake the route to that final will never be forgotten largely because of one move...a move that has made me change my perspective on the game for years to come...facing off against the best player in the room is nice but scary all the same, so to have been beating him soundly felt nice...however one hand he pushed me to the test, and a read from before decided my fate...I'll never know if I was right, neither will he...but that one moment was different, I'd made a read. And gone with it, never before had I made a judgement call that important and stuck with it...top pair wasn't enough I was sure of it...I folded there having either saved my life or let the best player survive another day...whatever the outcome. I stand by it.

Whatever comes of Sunday I will never know, but it's reach is far, and it's implications very loud...that was a day I made a final table and didn't feel lucky, didn't feel destined to be there, I felt logically there, my choices got me there more than outside influences. And that was the greatest feeling of them all...I deserved to be there, I deserve to be at more...the dreams almost realised, it's just time to reach out and grab it